… to decide whether you like or trust the person, say researchers. Snap judgments happen  without conscious thought. Yet another part of the study has scarier implications for forging relationships. When participants were given more time to describe their reactions they were:

   •  Slightly more negative than those given less time.

   •  More certain that they were right in their quick judgment.

And from a study on Facebook called YouJustGetMe, in viewing photos, people are

 “generally seen by others as they see themselves.”

How to Cultivate Friendship and Attract Support

From these findings, for a first meeting to flourish, in person or online, into a positive relationship, two people must feel positive about each other upfront and over time during that first “meeting”.  Only then can you enjoy the Positively Mutually-Reinforcing Effect.  That’s when we prove each other right – that we are trustworthy and likeable – for each other. 

Since no human interactions are neutral, the alternative is the Negatively Mutually-Reinforcing Effect.  That’s when one or both us don’t like or trust each other at first.  Consequently we become self-protective and spiral down in the mutually-reinforcing behaviors that prove ourselves right.

 People Like People Who Like Them

How to start out on the right foot in person?  From other research here’s a counter-intuitive discovery. Most of us, when meeting someone we think is important to us, attempt to appear likeable, important and trustworthy. Our behavior is often self-referencing.  Yet the best way for others to like you is for them to like the way they are when around you. 

If they don’t like the way they act and feel when around you, they project onto you the qualities they most dislike  – even if you haven’t demonstrated you have those traits.  They are inclined to sabotage you  – even if such behavior also damages them. 

Alternatively, if they like the way they are when around you, they see in you the qualities they most admire.  Yep.  Even if you’ve not (yet) demonstrated that you have those wonderful qualities. Plus they’ll go out of their way to speak well of you and help you, even to their own detriment.

So, for an easier, more joyful life  - with others – make it a habit when you first meet someone to search for the quality in that person you most like and admire. Focus your attention on that trait, not something that bothers you. Your positive feeling will be reflected in your face, body language and tone. Speak to that positive view. In so doing, you are most likely to instigate a pleasant interaction at the least and, at the most, a healthy give-and-take friendship. Then explore more ways to deepen that connection.

When meeting Natasha, photographer Rick Smolan never imagined she’d be an emotional thread of continuity for his life. Human stories take unexpected turns, especially next year. 

I’ve got your back and you’ve got mine. That’s a mighty welcome feeling as we enter 2009.  Why?  Because, more than any of the last 25 years, 2009 will crackle with change, unexpected loss and fresh opportunities to be there for each other. Consequently, 

prepare by picturing your Circles of Connection.  On whom can you most depend and how?  What can you ask of each other? 

It’s time to:

• Hone your differentiating mastery for a more fulfilling life. 

• Be more specifically, continuously helpful in your tribes.

To practice your greatest talents more often and maximize your value for and with others, visualize a set of circles of relationships, with the strongest connections in your inner circle and the weaker ties further out.  Here’s the rewards for picturing them, then the plan for identifying those circles.

 First the rewards.  Circles …

1. Create a context for your life …

2. That enables you to make wiser choices with …

• more grace towards yourself and others, and

• less stress or regret.

3. So you can be …

  • less rushed and more focused.

  • able to accomplish “first things first.”

4. Use your best talents more often to hone them sooner (10,000 rule).

5. Provide help that is appreciated and often reciprocated.

6. Collaborate in ways that use best talents  - and benefit all participants.

Now, the plan – picturing your circles.

In light of your …

• top two goals (one for work and one for life) for 2009.

• two kinds of resources – yours and those you can attract from others.

… what is your “first things first” plan for each month?  What tasks will you do “first thing” each week, each day … each hour?

To become higher-performing and happier – with others, see how you want to involve them in the next chapter of the adventure you want for your life story in 2009.

Picture your personal circles in a more concrete way using Christopher Allen’s helpful template. When done, consider people you’d like to move to a closer circle or further out or add to a circle. How will you make it more likely to happen?

(I add a first category to Allen’s four circles)

0. My Main Friend

To whom would you turn first for any kind of help, sympathy, celebration or other need to connect? (How many would not turn to a spouse, other kind of partner or family member first?) 

1. The Support Circle

Any time, night or day, you can rely on these 3-5 people, some of whom may be kin. 

2. The Emotional Circle

You can turn to these individuals for sympathy and whose death would be devastating to you. You may have a “non-mutual” emotional connection with them. Many have 10-15 people in this circle yet others have 7 or 20, according to Allen, yet other research shows those numbers are going down.  Increasingly individuals have just  2 to 3 people in this circle.

3. The Trust Circle

You have experience with each person in this circle, instances that made you feel you could trust them. You feel strong ties to the 40 to 200 people in your circle.

4. Familiar Strangers

People you recognize and they may have heard of you. Individuals here may be a two or three degrees away “friend” such as those who have befriended you at  Facebook or LinkedIn because you share a mutual friend or friend-of-friend.  These are weaker ties than those in your Trust Circle yet are also valuable in job-hunting and other needs.

“The world is not comprehensible, but it is embraceable.” - Martin Buber

When you finish writing your top two (actionable) goals and then crafting your Circles of Connections, tell me how you would improve this approach – or suggest a better approach to planning for a positive 2009. What emotional shifts, if any, happened in you as a consequence of this process? Did it help you picture your opportunities? Did you discover a way to be more valuable for yourself – or someone else?

Concluding caveat from Tom Paine, “It is not in numbers, but in unity, that our great strength lies…”

… on a big screen in a theatre – as part of a short-film before the feature movie.  

For the first time anyone can create an animated cut on their computer with tools provided by Intel, Facebook, Dell and others in this Mass Animation project launched today.  The crowd votes on submissions.  Winners get moments of fame via on-screen credit and $500. 5,586 people have already signed up.

At Facebook, see the storyline of the short – called “Live Music,” 

100 animation shots and images to get started. “The first scenario features a rock ‘n’ roll guitar that falls in love with a classical violin in a music store, only to find that the hot tune he found so alluring had come instead from the cell phone of the store owner.”  Sam Ford probably saw this kind of campaign coming. 

What tools could you offer would-be customers to involve them in using and/or improving your product or service – and attract meda coverage as this crowdsourcing contest will enjoy for many months.

Traditionally, conference attendees fill out conference evaluations after a session or conference is over, but the SXSW conference for tech and entertainment folks is anything but traditional. Some attendees heckled in real time at the  “pandering” and/or “self-promoting” style of Business Week’s “Valley Girl” columnist Sarah Lacey during her interview of Facebook CEO, Mark Zukerberg.A “trainwreck.”(Advice: know your audience.) A surge of audience members started criticizing her via their blogs and twittering micro-blogging. It got vicious.The opposite could also happen, of course, if an audience raved in real time about an interview, speaker or panel. Then the conference organizer could extend the session. The era of the passive attendee is fast-passing. Live blogging just started recently, mainly at tech-centered conferences or unconferences. Audience twittering just started within the past 14 months or so. Yet the trend will spread quickly to more kinds of meetings. Parents are learning text messaging to keep in touch with their children. Young meeting attendees expect to make their views heard, in the moment. As more meeting attendees adopt these social media tools, they’ll use them the conferences they attend. Thus more and more attendees won’t wait to vote on the questions the speaker or panel wants to ask. They’ll be commenting, asking the questions and trading opinions as the program unfolds. They’ll take photos from their seat, then try streaming video.That means that savvy meeting planners will eventually “have” to find a way to track the unfolding comment stream of the audience and choose a way to respond to them, either during or right after the session. Speakers, panelists, meeting planners and sponsors face a whole new attendee-centered meeting future, just as companies are experimenting with how to operate in a customer-centered world. Now that’s a fast-unfolding future full of ugly and uplifting mob scenarios.

A huge protest on Monday gives you a blueprint on how to jumpstart your call to action. It happened quickly. If hundreds of thousands of Colombians can organize a protest on Facebook, to take to the streets against the violence-prone Marxist rebel group, FARC then perhaps you and like-minded others can launch your cause, boycott, fundraiser or other action on Facebook too. Others are. Hint: Advocate a specific action. (Protest in public on Feb. 3th)

Their protest spread to almost 100 other cities around the world. (Should your campaign go global?) Their rallying cry: “No more kidnapping, no more lies, no more deaths, no more FARC.”

Tomorrow we are joining the growing number of online voices around the world by going blog silent. This is to press for the release of blogger and reform activist, Fouad, who has been “detained” in Saudi Arabia.

I don’t know about you but sometimes I take too long to get to the point. Instead of listening, my captive audience goes on a mental vacation. They feel talked “at” rather than “with. “ Especially if something is really important to me or I know too much on the topic I fall victim to what the Heaths dub the semantic stretch). I confuse or bore them with the “underbrush” of wordy qualifiers and background details. Once they tune me out it is very hard to get them back.

Harness the Power of Us in This Flattening World

Do people stop listening before you stop talking? Want to attract support or other involvement? Then first take a deep breath and ask yourself this powerful Four-Part Question. As you get clear and specific about all four parts you and your message will be credible and compelling for the people you want to reach:

Why are 1. You telling 2. Me 2. This Message 3. Now?

Here’s an inspiring real life example …
1. You (the person who wants people to listen)
Duke College junior Josh Sommer …

2. Me (the listener or listeners)
… is telling his peers around the world (people most likely to identify with and support him)

3. This Message (what’s written or said)
… that he seeks their donations for research for a form of cancer he has.

4. Now? (the timeliness of this message for these listeners)
This is a rare bone cancer with low survival rates so more research needs to be done … soon.

Build into your message Credibility Reinforcers.
For example, what are you already doing in support of your message? Per Ben Casnocha, “Instead of waiting around for scientists to make progress on a potential cure, Josh has jumped into the fray to try to save his own life.

• He and his mom launched the Chordoma Foundation to promote research of potential cures and galvanize the research community.

• He works 30 hours a week in Duke labs with professors who have agreed to study the problem.

• In the meantime, he lobbies congress to implement legislation that would better prevent the accumulation of toxic mold in buildings as toxic mold in his house partly caused his disease.”

If you are going to ask a question or ask for something else, prepare first by using this version of the Four-Part Question:
Why are You Asking Me This Question Now?

Suggestions:
1. Stand above the growing crowd of people seeking support for their causes at Facebook by first asking yourself The Four-Part Question.

2. Then share your well-articulated message with related support groups and on other social networks that are also free for you to use, including Ning, zaadz, and gather.

3. As you build momentum for your message, praise others for their support when the media comes to interview you. Then more varied media will pick up the story and spread it for you – whatever your cause.

Busy bees. Yep. “The busiest ‘hive’ is the (formerly) student “hive,’” notes Mark Brooks, to the surprise of few who go online. More people check in more often at Facebook than at any other online social network. But few people guess the name of the second busiest hive.

Except the time-pressed mothers who seek advice or simple comfort from each other at CafeMom. This online community launched just last year yet it is the most active site for women. From fertility to photo albums, from recipe swapping to marital guidance, even from autism to politics, moms are turning to each other to share at over 25,000 groups they’ve created. In a variation of that saying “follow the money”, “follow the moms.”

The deeper the passionate need or interest the more fervently active the hive.