After a priest moved to a new parish he approached his superior one afternoon to ask, “Would you mind if I smoked while praying?” and was, not surprisingly, turned down.

Yet how one makes a request has a huge impact on whether it will be  granted. For example, the priest might have said, “Would you mind if I pray while I am smoking?”

Setting the context with your initial comments is akin to dressing in the fashion that the people you are going to be around will approve or even admire, while still being true to yourself.

Why?

Because people like people who are like them.  Like all animals, we are most comfortable with those who act and look right – like us.  In fact, the more you look familiar to me, the earlier in the conversation I will literally hear your words, absorb their meaning and be more able to accept them, and you.

The more you look and act different than me, the more my peripheral vision narrows initially.  Further my skin temperature goes down and my heart beat goes up in anticipation of the face of the unfamiliar.

That is because the primitive triune part of our brains has not changed. We are forever hardwired to respond to new, unfamiliar situations with the “fight or flight” syndrome.  Our vital signs literally shut down when we are first around a person, setting or situation that is radically different, unfamiliar thus initially potentially dangerous, until we have decided how we feel about our situation.

You can pull people closer, and bring out their better side so they can see and appreciate yours. In fact, this is probably the most meaningful gift you can give someone else, other than the present of your warm presence.

Continuously praise others’ specific actions you admire, however small they may seem to you. People eventually warm up to your evident warmth. Authentically praise to inspire happier, high-performing behavior in others and yourself.

1. Praise  them directly. Whatever you praise you want to flourish. The more specific your words, the more memorable your message.  Describe the actual act in as much rich detail so you honor the person in acknowledging how vividly it affected you.

2. Even more powerfully, compliment the person to one or more people who are very important to them.  My client, the CFO of a Berlin-based maker of wireless portal equipment named Punjabi, has had a rugged and quite successful third year of operation where everyone has worked long hours.

Instead of handing out the ten top team awards in the traditional way, at a company event, the CEO took the time to find a significant group related to each of the winners.  For those winners the groups included a place of worship, a rugby club, a college alumnae organization and an antique car association.

With the permission of these organizations, the CEO arranged to give the award and an eight-minute speech, describing both the winner’s accomplishments at Punjabi and a specific incident where the winner exemplified the heroic character of a true team player.  Thus each (surprised) winner got to bask in the spotlight in front of valued people in her or his non-world world.

The CEO’s greater effort also put his company in a genuinely positive light in many new places.  Although it did not appear that any of the people who saw their friends receive the award were immediate, potential customers of Punjabi, they were sufficiently inspired to stir some positive word-of-mouth buzz about the awards ceremonies.

A month after these ceremonies a feature writer for the equivalent of the “lifestyle” section of the main Berlin paper heard the story through a friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend who was a rugby player with her husband.  Not one to be interested in business stories, she was nevertheless touched by the way the ceremonies had rippled out to surround the winners’ lives.

She tracked down the CEO and interviewed him, thus affording him another chance to speak glowingly about specific examples of his winners’ dedication and ingenuity.  As he praised each person, the glow of the values he admired reflected back on him and his company.  The reporter also interviewed the winners and several of the people at the organizations where the awards events occurred and then wrote a human interest story that appeared, with photos, in a Sunday edition.

The article generated several glowing letters to the editor by people who witnessed the ceremonies, the winners and others who were also moved by the story. Mr. John Sunui, vice president of sales for Singapore-based construction management company happened to read some of the letters in the paper while eating his breakfast in a hotel while in Berlin on business.

Sunui emailed the reporter to request a copy of the original article that the reporter emailed back the next day and he received when he returned to Singapore.

That December holiday in Singapore — and 14 other countries where Sunui’s company has offices, both the office director and one person in each office who has done an outstanding job at their work, as voted by their co-workers, will be happily surprised when they walk in the door at some place that is special to them to be greeted by a company representative who will give them a present and tell a story about another side of the winner that their friends in that organization may not know about.

How can you give a lasting and perhaps the most widely-known gift that ten people you admire can receive?   For each person think of the specific incident where that person has exemplified the quality that you most admire or cherish.  Re-play the situation in your mind so you can describe it in all its story-building, touching detail.

Practice saying the story, then notice how you now feel about the person. Begin with the specific details before you end with the general statement that summarizes your admiration.  That way, you make the story, and the person, more vividly memorable to others who read or hear it.

Next step: for each person envision what group to which they are affiliated (family, religious organization, hobby or other interest or professional group, etc.) would be most significant for that person if you were to praise them among the members. You have several ways to pass along your praise about the person you love or admire.

Call, email or write to someone in that person’s valued affinity group and share your story of praise.  Or you may, like the people in the story above, ask for permission to confer a gift on the person at a gathering of their group.  In advertising this method is called a “third party endorsement.”

For example, when customers praise a product in an advertisement they are providing a credible third party endorsement.  Because we are all instinctive voyeurs, naturally interested in the stories of each other’s lives we are more drawn to third party endorsements than to advertisements.  Further, when we hear a positive story about someone, told by another person we find it more credible and compelling than if the person was to “boast” about it in telling it himself.

Here are other ways to offer heartfelt, long-lasting third party endorsement gifts to those you hold dear:

• Donate money or another gift to a charity or cause in which that person is active, and ask that your story about them be included in any acknowledgement of the gift.

• Seek out places that person frequent and see if you might buy a needed piece of equipment or repair one in that person’s name.

In our Sausalito church, for example, you can pay for a hymnal and dedicate it with a related phrase, to someone you love. So every Sunday, someone at my church opens up a hymnal with this hand calligraphic message on the inside front, dedicated to my mother who loves piano music, “To Lestelle whose piano playing washes away the dust of everyday life.”

• On an object that person might uses frequently (coffee mug, bath towel, key holder) imprint or monogram a positive nickname or one phrase characterization of the “hero’s” action.

To my English rugby-playing friend, Richard, we’re giving a glass beer stein with these words etched on the bottom, “Great giver of bone-crushing hugs.”

• Make a large, colorful postcard on which you write a description of the positive incident involving your hero, then ask your colleagues who agree to join in signing it before sending it to that person’s home.  Give a gift to the person’s partner in work or personal life, as an acknowledgement of your admiration.

• Create a banner or poster, with a celebratory sentence and an enlarged and flattering image of the hero and hang it in a prominent place (wall or door of the person’s office, home or event). Find a place the person frequents (dry cleaner, golf club) and offer the business manager at that site your credit card number with a set dollar limit. Ask the manager to pay the next bill of your hero, fax you a copy of the bill, and hand the manager a gift card with your inscription on it to be given to the hero at their next visit.  You’ll create your own variation of this method, I’ll bet.

Two years ago I learned that Janice, a skilled meeting planner who had hired me to speak at her association several times over the years, and who was exceptionally gracious and generous with me, had contracted leukemia. I learned this from her assistant who called to confirm some details regarding my next presentation at their annual meeting.

On a long plane flight back from another speaking engagement, I looked out the window, thinking of Janice, and conjured up this idea for a third party endorsement of the Hawaiian-born meeting planner which would reflect one of her most passionate interests, gardening. I called the association’s executive director to share my idea and he immediately agreed.

Two months later, just after I was introduced to speak at that association’s convention’s opening breakfast, I moved to the center of the raised stage, signaling the 500 attendees to also rise from their seats as the board president caught the elbow of our surprised meeting planner, Jana, who at the bottom of the stage steps, still focused on making sure the room lighting would be alright for my speech.

He guided her up the steps as I stepped back to the side of the stage and the first person in the audience, roving mike in his hand told a vignette of how Jana had guided him at the beginning of his career.  As Jana reached the center of the stage, in front of the people she had served for 14 years, eight other people in various parts of the room lifted their mike and told their brief story about her.

Then a tenor saxaphone player stepped out from the side of the stage to serenade Janice with a fragment of her favorite Kenny G song as the screen on the stage was filled with purple words on an emerald green (her favorite colors) background, “Jana is a special flower” followed by a swift changing set of images of Janice in several situations.

As the song ended, on cue, all 500 people pulled from out of their pockets and purses the fragrant Hawaiian-grown white flowers, the gardenias, tuber roses and pikaki and held them aloft towards Jana.  The board president handed Jana a bouquet of the flowers and asked Jana to speak, which she did, briefly, through her tears.

Even several of the hotel waiters were standing still, crying by then.  My speech had, of course, been moved to the luncheon so people could drop by Jana’s table to say their warm greetings through the ensuing breakfast.

Even though we know we are more likely to savor life and attract more opportunities to collaborate when we click with others, we often get in our own way – especially when we are distracted or worse.  Here are five concrete ways to connect with others.

1. Face the world as you want to be treated

We’ve all been startled by observing a passerby’s dour expression instantly transformed into a warm smile when someone they knew came into view. The fixed-face habit is increasingly common yet it limits one’s opportunities to make friends or just be treated well.

I envy those who naturally display an open face, yet, with practice, we all can. We don’t have to turn into grinning fools. Research shows, however, that even slightly elevated eyebrows cause the eyes to widen and – presto – one looks more open and less judgmental. Strangers unconsciously project onto such people the qualities they most admire in others, believe those people care – and act more generously towards them.

Unknowingly, as a journalist I came to have an intense facial expression, especially interviewing people I found fascinating (that’s my excuse anyway) until I interviewed an expert on Paul Ekman’s research on reading faces. He gently suggested that it would only take a couple of months of practice to “transform” my face into one with the open expression he was exhibiting in our interview.  It took me much longer – yet his advice comes to mind every time I see a dour or hardened face. That person probably does not understand the missed opportunities for friendship and more – just from this one simple habit.

2. Tour your body for vital signs

When you are literally uptight–rigid in any part of your body - others instinctively resist or even react against you. This phenomenon is akin to bouncing a hard rubber ball on a concrete surface as compared to a soft carpet. The ball bounces higher and faster against the hard surface than the soft one, of course, just as others react more against a body that is even inadvertently held tight against the world.

Whenever you are entering an unfamiliar or potentially volatile situation, loosen up physically. It will help you feel more at ease. Walk, stretch, and release tension from the places where you hold it in your body.

Probably –like many conscientious, hard-working people– you hold your shoulders higher and slightly more forward than is natural, with one of the tendons in your neck tightened up even more than the other. If someone can give you a quick three-minute shoulder and neck massage, you will relax – and look at ease.  Others will respond more warmly to you.

Here’s another quick way to feel and look comfortable. Take your “pointing” fingers and the ones adjacent to them and rub both sides of your face in small circles, beginning at the cheek bone, near the sides of your nose, continuing along that bone towards your ears, down to the jaw line and on toward the center of your chin.

3. We feel closer to happy people, especially when we are happy

Enjoy the bond-building boomerang effect that happens with contagious happiness (when you’re happy, you cause your friends to feel happier, and that makes their friends happier).  As the circles of friends around you feel happier their upbeat behavior will swing around back through those friends towards and around you, reinforcing your capacity to stay contented.

Plus those positive feelings that boomerang back to you in waves from others serve as an emotional cushion in your rocky times. I’m suggesting this as reinforcement for you to smile your way into a better way of feeling. When we feel down we close down and withdraw. This boomerang affect enables you and those you are around to open up to each other.

4. Worried? Don’t keep thinking about it. Act towards what makes you happier.

Women tend to worry more than men so it is especially important for us, when we start to feel anxious or depressed to mentally change the channel of thought to something – any small thing – that lightens our mood.

Consider this.  In any situation you only have three choices: 1. Change how you act, 2. Accept the situation, or 3. Leave.  The sooner you make a decision the less likely you deepen the rut in your memory of fixating on worrying rather than acting to change.

5. Meet new people to see fresh sides in yourself

Want to pull new people into your life?  Like to show an evolving new facet of yourself?  Get out of your orbit. Attend a lecture, sit at a lively café, join a civic, special interest or non-profit committee.   In short, put yourself in a place where you don’t know anyone well.

That’s when, “we are more free to experiment with ourselves, and less likely to have our new behaviors and roles reflected back to us by people who object, ‘But that’s not like you!,’”  says Melinda Blau, co-author of Consequential Strangers: The Power of People Who Don’t Seem to Matter. . . But Really Do. She adds, “Strangers help us stretch beyond the relatively rigid boxes that the people who have known us the longest – our family and close friends – often put us into.”

This may be the surest way to turn the page for the next chapter of your life to be the kind of adventure story you now want. Even within one hour you can learn specific ways to stand out in your work or life.

Brisk early morning walks along the Sausalito waterfront as the sun comes up over Angel Island are somehow sweeter, when shared with a friend or three.

Walking in step in the fresh air, pointing, turning – all that motion makes unexpected memories come to mind. Talk is unexpected, sometimes more candid yet one comes home refreshed, feeling closer, happier. 

We release more endorphins when exercising with others than on our own. Thus we double our threshold for pain, research shows yet I must confess my walk/talks have not been strenuous enough to reach pain levels.

Also couples who exercise together are more connected.

Most everyone can have someone with whom they can walk.

Hear and see the beauty of teamwork in this gently corny video and this beautifully startling one.

Then watch this contagious public dance and this huge singalong.

Me to We in action can lift our spirits.

Humor requires a target. If you make a bulls-eye out of someone weaker, particularly if you initiate the attack, you look like a bully.  Take aim, instead, at the powerful. Or, rather than getting upset, consider yourself lucky when someone makes you a target first.

Because, as Isaac Asimov observed, “For a humane person, the put-down is most satisfactory and most easily greeted with pleasurable laughter when the person being put down has done something to invite it – in other words, if he has attacked.  Then it is lunge-and-riposte and at the riposte we can laugh with a clear conscience.” 

Poke Fun at Yourself

When one makes oneself the butt of the joke one demonstrates unifying humor. Self-deprecating people build trust, get heard and get ahead. They look comfortable with themselves – an endearing quality. Here are six examples:

1. All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

2. Sylvia’s mother gave this toast at her 60th birthday party: “Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.”

3.  Phyllis Diller said, “I know what got me into comedy… puberty!”

4.  Lily Tomlin, in her one-woman show, “The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe said “If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?”

5.  Numbers are not my strong suit. After I had added up a budget on a hand calculator and come up with three different totals, my business partner once quipped, “There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can’t.”

6. “I had an IQ test. The results came back negative.” ~ Jake Torkelsen

Defuse Anxiety

“Those oxygen masks on airplanes? I don’t think there’s really any oxygen. I think they’re just to muffle the screams.” – Rita Rudner

Kid About a Common Situation

The next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it,” thought Frank Clark.  Hearing what’s funny in a group also enables one to instantly understand what isn’t safe to laugh at.  

When your humor highlights what we have in common, you and I feel more like “us.” Joking with co-workers builds bonds.

Women say they want someone who makes them laugh. Men want someone whom they can make laugh. 

The Harvard Business Review reported that executives with a sense of humor climb the corporate ladder more quickly and earn more money than their counterparts.”

“One hallmark of a great manager is a self-deprecating sense of humor,” according to a Half survey. Yet, we can take that finding with a grain of salt because people are much more likely to laugh at jokes made by their superiors than their inferiors, and in the presence of a person of high status, members of the same group will check whether the superior is laughing before laughing themselves. 

Sometimes (but not always), “if people are having fun, they’re going to work harder.”

Examples of unifying humor that tap into the universal “us” can pop up most anywhere:

• After the mad cow scare, a subscriber to my newsletter, mailed me this bumper sticker: “Montana – At least our cows are sane!”

• Commenting on the human condition: “God pulled an all-nighter on the sixth day.”

• I saw this emblazoned on the tee shirt of a rotund man coming out of a San Diego beach shop: “The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.”

For stating the obvious, look at some newspaper headlines:

“Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link”  ~ Cornell Daily Sun

“Lack of Brains Hinders Research” ~ The Columbus Dispatch

Lily Tomlin said, “Nobody is here without a reason. … I like a huge range of comedy but I always wanted my comedy to be more embracing of the species rather than debasing of it.”

For another humor-as-unifying experience, try a laughter yoga class.  “Laughter is not dissimilar to exercise,” explains professor Lee Berk. “It’s not going to cure someone of stage 3 cancer, but in terms of prevention it does make sense. In a sense, we have our own apothecary on our shoulders. Positive emotions such as laughter affect your biology.”

Evoke the Incongruous to Unite Others

A condemned spy was being led out at dawn in a pounding rain to be shot. As he and his guards stepped outside he spoke bitterly to them about the wet and cold, to which one guard replied, “What are you complaining about? We’ve got to march back.”

Dave Barry: “Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”

Paul Klee: “A line is a dot that went for a walk.”

Understanding how to hit the funny bone isn’t easy, even with these tips and examples. As E.B. White famously noted, “Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. The procedure kills the essence of both the frog and the funny — and then what’s the point?” 

Then there are those who appear to have no humor whatsoever.  Usually that lack covers other concerns.  What effect do they have on others?  Read about it in the next post.

The shocking moment for rising stars is when they meet someone who’s rising faster. For some of us this happens in fourth grade, for others it’s in college or on a job. The good news is that you’ve still got a way to get ahead. Even now. And it’s more fun. Hear how in my conversation with Zane Safrit. 

Hint: You may be smart, hardworking, well-intended – even good-looking. Yet if you can’t collaborate with people extremely unlike you (they don’t act right – like you) you’re leaving opportunity on the table. In fact, you may be burning bridges. Use your talent fully with others. Here’s four barriers to successful collaboration: 

1.   We were raised, especially in the U.S. to look out for ourselves first. The maladapted lone hero who does it his way is a popular figure in our country.  Group-centered successes aren’t conventional movie plots.

2.   We weren’t taught to create and work in teams. Luckily, for the past 15 or so years, many students have been studying in groups after school so they’re adept at sharing and collaboration.

3.   Working with others we lose control. We are vulnerable to the weakest link, the goof-off or control freak or other wrong team member. Yet, like working alone, collaboration involves a learning curve. You get better at starting simple, sizing up partners, doing more due diligence about them.

4.   Starting conversations by talking about oneself, giving background, taking too long before suggesting the “sweet spot” of mutual benefit when recruiting others. Instead describe the opportunity upfront,  what’s in it for them and what that person brings to the table, as a teammate.

Then adept Me2We opportunity-makers describe the rest of the team they have or want and why. At each step they seek other’s suggested improvements.  They don’t even have to be in charge if there is a better player to help us accomplish the goal.

Some are natural opportunity-makers.  Entrepreneurs are instinctively Me2We, especially those involved in start-ups. They keep in touch with diversely talented people, brainstorm ideas and love to look for opportunities. 

l seek role models who’ve honed their ability to be specific about a singular goal, recruit the right players, care for their stakeholders – and bring out the best side in others.  Some include Stephanie Evans, Brad Feld, Anita Campbell, Jim Fruchterman, Mimi Silbert, Ben Casnocha,  Michelle Obama and Jeff Skoll.

Got an idea? Feeling stuck? Underfunded? Alone? Seeking  a new way to work and live? Ironically, the key is often involving people you may not yet know. But they have the skills, the resources or the contacts you don’t. It is for us that I have been writing this blog.

Exuberant Zane Safrit interviewed me about why I feel so passionate about the power of a Me2We mindset.

In this increasingly transient, time-starved, connected world people crave camaraderie and shared success.  Adopt a Me2We approach with others to generate more money, friendship, independence – to live a bigger life.  In this kind of collaboration, the icing on the cake is the thrill of creating something greater  - with others – than one can alone.

Who knows? You may find yourself the co-author of the colorful adventure story you are meant to live. Co-create new chapters with engrossing characters, lively scenes, exciting plot twists and more meaningful outcomes.

What ways have you already collaborated to create something greater – with others? 

“Wall Street swindler Bernie Madoff failed to protect his assets with a bankruptcy motion. His lawyer tried to get all charges dropped. He argued that Madoff is no longer a threat to society because there aren’t any rich people anymore,” writes Argus Hamilton in jest.

Here’s two more mock news items from Argus:

“Earth Day is a day when Democrats call for new sources of energy to replace fossil fuels, and Republicans make an extra effort to replace their divots.”

“Captured Somali pirate Abduwali Muse appeared in a Manhattan federal court where he was arraigned on charges of piracy. The 5-foot-2, 90-pound African teenager broke down crying in court. He doesn’t want to be adopted by Madonna.”

Feeling stressed or sad? Humor helps – if it’s the right kind. Did a situation turn tense? Humor can make it evaporate – if it’s the right kind. When feeling powerless  - or overpowering – the right kind of humor can even the field. Want to bring others closer? Try the kind of humor that leads to living well – with others. This might help….

Frank Visco wrote, tongue-in-cheek that, “One should never generalize” but I will. Everyone takes one of three approaches to humor:

1. Divide: Using it to defend,or deflect and thus divide.

2. Unite: Using it as a way to relieve tension, heal hurt feelings or otherwise bring people closer.

3. Ignore: Seeing it as silly, a waste of time or both. Humor should be deflected or ignored.

Each behavior affects others in different ways.

First the worst.

1. Divisive Humor is Insulting to Someone …. and Often Hilarious.

Even well-meaning, kidding humor from someone who knows you well can hurt. He knows where to strike. As in the Rules of Combat, “The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.” 

In your car, patience is a quality you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead. In humor, if it’s funnier to say than the hear, then it’s divisive. 

There are exceptions. Some apparently divisive humor is often unifying because of the near universal opinion of the target. One method is to simply repeat the target’s words. Here are examples.

1. A music reviewer wrote, “Few people know that the CIA is planning to cripple Iran by playing the Bee Gee’s ESP album on special loudspeakers secretly parachuted into the country.”

2.”Please provide the date of your death.” ~ a quote from an IRS letter received by a reporter.

3.  Sometimes the institution sets itself up for a double shot of humor. Here’s a Correction Notice in a British newspaper: “We apologize for the error in last week’s paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce.”

4. In his testimony before Congress as to his role in Iran-Contra, then Colonel Oliver North, said, “I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version.”

5.  Some apparently divisive humor merely reflects the understandable emotion of the moment.  Thus it becomes unifying. “Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl.” said football coach Bill Peterson.

6.  “It’s no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another.”~ George H. Bush

7. Happiness, for some, is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

To help a group recover from someone’s use of divisive humor, try unifying humor: “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”

In the next post I’ll describe how unifying humor cracks tension, improves health, brings us closer, makes us more popular, more hopeful – and more money, yet not necessarily thinner, unfortunately.

The source of inspiration for today’s post is the passing of an actress who used unifying humor to side with the underdog. Her wise-cracking warmth enabled her to speak up on the sometimes controversial issues in which she believed. A mark of using humor well is when it brings out the better side in others. You did that so well and so often, Beatrice Arthur. 

Perhaps the most gratifying way to hone one’s talent is to use it in support of someone who is diligently working on a dream project. Those who work hard on something new tend to appreciate unexpected help. We learn the most when creating or explaining. 

Early in his life as an entrepreneur and serial investor Brad Feld got advice from

more seasoned strangers who became trusted peers. In return, several of his early advisors said,  “If I’m helpful to you, you can pay me back by being helpful to another first time entrepreneur after your become successful.” 

Mike Masnick of Techdirt takes it further: “go out there proactively and try to help others.” Business plan guru, Tim Berry reflects that proactive attitude beginning with the language one uses, suggesting a “you” rather than a “me” approach. 

Each of us can proactively give:

• Honest, concrete feedback – if asked.

• Referrals to other experts, citing the specific way(s) they might be helpful.

• Pithy “big picture” backgrounders or briefings on knowledge areas that can help them “right now.”

• Camaraderie at an unsettling time as that person is going through a voluntary or involuntary work or life change.

As Ray Kroc famously said, “the more I help others, the more I succeed.” What other ways can one support another?

The sweet scent of the narcissus plant wafts upstairs to me just like the lingering memory of my uphill neighbors, an always upbeat Irish couple in their early eighties.  Stopping off on their daily walk, they knocked on my door early this morning to deliver the plant, their holiday gift, knowing I would be up and writing. When I first moved to Sausalito I sent an invitation in a package of

 filbert and raspberry cookies (Mom’s Oregon recipe) to about 30 of my closest neighbors. I asked them to drop by for a brief “neighborhood safety” talk from Alicia, our local policewoman. And, of course, coffee, wine and homemade deserts.

One minute it’s quiet. Then, to my surprise, everyone turned up. Three from up the hill crashed the party.  Many arrived on the dot of 7:00 pm.  Some recognized each other but didn’t know names. By 7:30 the living room, dining room and kitchen were packed and noisy, then some moved out onto the deck and, later, to the front yard to look down on the sparkling bay and backyard on my neglected garden.

How fascinating to find that night that within minutes of my home lived a retired FBI agent, an eco-lodge designer, a fisherman and a hedge fund manager. I had to bang on a kettle to quiet the crowd down so Alicia could give her short talk.

That began a tradition, over the years, of casual, round robin get-togethers at each other’s homes, a shared email and phone list and the habit of referring good plumbers, tree trimmers (a big deal with views at stake) and other trusted services. Now, years later, there are over 300 neighbors (and Alicia and the city manager) on our private google group list. Yet, without discussing it, we’ve tacitly agreed that we don’t use it to promote our businesses or to endorse local candidates.

It is not just the fragrance of the narcissus plant that makes me smile this holiday morning but the synchronicity in opening an email to right after I hugged my Irish neighbors goodbye.

That email had some unexpected results from a study by Nicholas A. Christakis and James H. Fowler about the extraordinary contagion of happiness. 

It turns out that:

• When one person is happy, the effect is felt up to three degrees away. Your happiness is connected to the happiness of your friends, their friends’ friends, and their friends’ friends’ friends

• Your friendship with people who are often happy boosts your happiness – and that of people around you.

• Each additional happy friend you have increases your probability of being happy by about 9%. 

•  Happiness is more viral than unhappiness. Encountering people who feel happy is more uplifting and spreads farther than being around people who are unhappy – your mood goes down less and you are less likely to transmit that down feeling to others you encounter.

• People at the center of a social network tend to be happier than others in their group or the situation. At that holiday party, the person who is enjoying conversations with many people feels more upbeat than those who are talking with fewer people. Fowler suggests, “We think the reason why is because those in the center are more susceptible to the waves of happiness that spread throughout the network.”

• Oddly, when a person becomes happy:

- A friend living close by has a 25 percent higher chance of becoming happier themselves.

- A spouse has only an 8 percent increased chance of happiness.

- Next-door neighbors have a whopping 34 percent increased chance.

For women especially this is a vital alert (it is never too late to host a party or sparkle with others at one) during these emotion-laden holiday times.  That’s because, more than men, we women ruminate about regrets, hurts and losses.

So savor each day of this holiday, spreading joy to the world, bathing in the waves of happiness that sometimes ripple back and around you, knowing your happiness may reach others you do not even know.

More than we are consciously aware, we instinctively imitate one another. When around each other we synchronize our body movements, speaking styles and facial expressions.  There’s an automaticity to our reactions. But why? Many scientists believe it’s because of our desire to be liked, included in the group.  And, at a more primitive level, to survive.  

Thus our ability to mimic is

vital to our capacity to connect well with others. It is not “just” a way of communicating nonverbally. It enables us to recognize others’ expressions  - and thus their emotions. It helps us empathize.

Ability to Imitate Can Lead to Empathy

We are more likely to be shunned when that capacity is hampered. This was discovered by the pencil experiment conducted by American social psychologist, Paula M. Niedenthal.  Two groups were asked to detect changes in the facial expressions of other people. One group was prevented from freely moving their own faces by holding a pencil between their teeth. The pencil restricts the ability to frown, smile, frown or make many other facial expressions. Thus limited in their ability to mimic the expressions they saw in others, those in that group were much less able to recognize changes in others’ emotional facial expressions than participants in the other group. In short, they are less likely to read others’ emotions and to respond in ways that appear trustworthy, likeable or credible.

Perhaps Social Intelligence Begins in Infancy

This dance of imitation to connect starts early. Even one-month-old babies imitate facial expressions. If you look at a baby and open your mouth, the baby will open her mouth. If you stick out your tongue, the baby will often do the same. That’s one of the many reasons that babies who are ignored, such as in some orphanages, suffer from abandonment and low emotional intelligence.

Why Partners Look More Alike Over Time

Imitative behavior helps explain why long-term partners tend to look more alikeover time.  Couples who were together for 25 years resembled each other more than random pairs of the same age and than newly-wed couples. John Barg and his

 colleagues surmise this might be because they frequently observe and imitate each other’s most common expressions,  “producing over time the similarity in facial lines between the two partners.”