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“All of the significant battles are waged within the self,” wrote Sheldon Kopp. Some of our biggest inside battles are changing habits to create a more meaningful, congenial life with others. Instead we instinctively, unhappily focus on:

• Those who seem much happier and more successful

• Our past failures, betrayals and regrets

You know that sharing your goals with others is a reinforcing nudge to stick to them, especially if you buddy up, or create a mutual accountability group. So let’s practice actionable, research-based tips together, to keep us on that longed-for path to living a meaningful life. Even if the research is sometimes faulty the placebo effect of believing in it may boost our performance. For both those reasons here are six tips for turning the page to the next chapter of the adventure story we are truly meant to live.

1. Live Your Greatest Passion Despite Inevitable Risk

“Life is like a ten speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use,” Charles M. Schulz once wrote. Gretchen Rubin told Anne Kreamer that when clerking for U.S. Supreme Court Justice, Sandra Day O’Connor, “I realized that I would rather fail as a writer than succeed as a lawyer.”  Rubin turned her hobby into her job, and wrote Power, Money, Fame, Sex, then The Happiness Project, which has been on the New York Times best-seller list for years, nudged on by an avid fan base she has thoughtfully and consistently nourished. Like many of us, you may need a nudge towards getting a clear picture of the specific kinds of situations in which you excel and enjoy yourself. To help you, Find Your Strongest Life provides a concrete approach that I believe works for anyone, even though it was written for women.  Alternatively, manyare already keenly aware that they have diverse interests and talents yet are stumped when thinking of how create a life where they use them.

See how others have succeeded in Marci Alboher’s affirming and actionable book, One Person/Multiple Careers. On this path of strongest passion you are more likely to see life as an experience rather than a performance for others, as Peter Bregman does.

2. Get Greater Performance with Additive Thinking

Yet performance improvement is also satisfying. To learn from mistakes and increase performance and satisfaction, avoid subtractive thinking. That’s feeling and expressing regret for what didn’t work out, suggests Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman in their new book, Top Dog.  For example, “If only I’d made that shot.” Instead immediately de-briefly with yourself and others to focus on others ways you can perform better if it is a task or make improvements if it is a project.

That’s additive thinking: “If only I’d driven to the hoop rather than settle for the jumper,” suggests the co-authors: “Additive thinking helps competitors learn from mistakes and recover after a setback. Beware: Additive Thinking is not to be confused with Positive Thinking; it’s a form of critical analysis.” What defines us is how well we rise after fall.

3. Sidestep the Doubled-Edged Sword of Comparison

As soon as you notice that you are feeling “less than” or “better than” others step back a moment emotionally. Save yourself from the twin pangs of torment.  Instead, Tony Schwartz suggests you follow family therapist, Terrence Real’s advice. When feeling envious, ask yourself “How do I hold myself in warm regard, despite my imperfections?”  When feeling superior, ask yourself, “How can I hold this person in warm regard, despite his/her imperfections?” or, adds Schwartz, “”What do I truly appreciate in this other person?”

Even and especially when you get intimidated, envious or irritated with someone else, an empowering way to switch moods and perhaps even cultivate a connection rather than evoke enmity, is to offer apt assistance. “It’s actually the difficult situations in your life that make you who you are. NOT the easy ones,” believes Adam Rifkin.  He’s an inspiring example, in Give and Take, of attracting opportunities, influence and friendship, through generous, astute giving. This 106 Miles founder and PandaWhale will become even more famous and sought-after, after Adam M. Grant’s book comes out.

Hint: A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle. See the rest of the tips at my Forbes column.

LaRae Quy, Co-author

It’s disconcerting to hear that there are an estimated 300 active serial killers in the U.S.  That’s part of the chilling premise of the popular, sometimes violent new TV show, The Following. Serial killers, led by a psychopath, manage to find a way to communicate with each other, and recruit other killers into their network. This dark, fast-paced crime show is an unexpected place to discover insights about the benefits of mentoring, yet we can. This column is co-written with LaRae Quy, an undercover and counterintelligence FBI agent for 25 years. Mike Weston, a smart, young FBI agent sees an opportunity to learn from an unwilling mentor, Ryan Hardy, played by Kevin Bacon. Hardy, a long retired FBI agent, agrees to help track down the escaped serial killer that he arrested, Joe Carroll.

Back in 2003, Hardy headed the investigation that led to the arrest. Now someone else is in charge, and investigations involve new technology. After being stabbed in the heart by the killer, Hardy lost his mojo and stayed out of sight. Consequently, many on the FBI team initially see Hardy as a liability. Yet he knows more about this psychopath than anyone else.

Tip One: Seek out the mentor who knows the most about the exact thing you most want to learn, even it it means overlooking distracting behavior. For Weston, Hardy represents a double win. He is an expert in interpreting the behavior of serial killer, and he has extraordinary, if sometimes unorthodox investigative skills. Hardy doesn’t waste time on words of encouragement—only words of wisdom as he helps Weston navigate his way through the sordid thinking of serial killer Joe Carroll.

Tip Two: Ask your mentor to not only confirm your strengths but also help you hone them. FBI agents come out of the Academy with an awareness of many of their strengths, but a mentor will help you finely hone the specific qualities of those strengths so they will be predictable, reliable, and consistent. This is key to surviving environments of risk, uncertainty, and deception. Hardy’s job is to help Weston clarify the strengths he will need to hunt serial killers.

Tip Three:  Expect that honing your strengths under a mentor’s eye will feel uncomfortable sometimes.  If Hardy does not move Weston into his discomfort zone, Hardy is not doing his job. It does not take outstanding intelligence to be an expert; instead, it requires a willingness to move beyond the complacency that often accompanies a comfort zone. Finding the sweet spot at the edge of Weston’s current competence is the key to learning skills fast. Weston should expect Hardy to move him to that place where he doesn’t feel comfortable but not so bad he wants to quit.

Tip Four: Expect skill mastery to involve these steps of deliberative practice, which is different than training. During Weston’s rigorous four months of training at the FBI Academy, he would learn that it’s not inherited talent that determines how good he would become at something, but rather how hard he was willing to work. Deliberate practice requires specific and sustained efforts if agents want to achieve mastery in their area of expertise. For example, a new agent like Weston would not be an expert in firearms when he arrived at the Academy.

To achieve skill mastery requires 1) incremental steps designed to specifically improve performance with the help of a mentor; 2) specific goals, such as shooting a bulls eye target at twenty-five yards; 3) intentionally honing the strength by requiring a tighter grouping within the bulls eye target; 4) continually moving the agent out of their comfort zone.  This approach benefits anyone who wants to hone a skill.

Tip Five:  Consistently supporting your mentor and showing that you value his advice, even when he makes you uncomfortable as you learn, often causes the mentor to gradually value your presence more and give you more guidance. Hardy is no longer in charge of the investigation and while others are skeptical of Hardy’s capabilities, Weston is among the first to show Hardy respect when Hardy joins the team. Weston seeks expert feedback in simple, precise responses so he can quickly make adjustments in his thinking and behavior. Conversely, Hardy does not give too much feedback all at once, and though Hardy seems emotionally distant at times, the tension in their relationship is not strained because Hardy doesn’t overwhelm Weston with too much theory or information that interferes with learning.

Tip Six: The more your mentor feels he want to redeem himself or to grow in mastery and reputation for another reason, and thus want to pull out all the stops to achieve the goal, the more accelerated your learning is likely to be with him. Hardy feels like a broken man and sees his path to emotional recovery in stopping the killer and the network of killers Carroll is recruiting. Since some of the serial killers in the hidden network can appear quite normal, it’s vital for the FBI team to be vigilant to look, not for just who appears to be acting guilty but for anomalies.

When FBI agents begin an investigation… see the rest of the nine tips at my Quotable and Connective column over at Forbes.

Dr. Pierre Mornell knew he’d hit a raw nerve when both men and women began fervently nodding during his lecture on “modern man’s main secret.”  That was in 1987 yet a behavioral scientist I interviewed recently said it felt like yesterday when he sat in that agitated audience.

The most recurring, resentment-raising behavior between the sexes, according to Mornell is that “In our own homes, most of us ‘men’ — we would-be emperors — have no clothes.  We seek down time, thus seem passive and that drives our women crazy.”

1. He/She Does Not Act Right… Like Me

“We have met the enemy and he is both of us.” ~ variation on Pogo

Mornell realized that many of the couples he saw in counseling shared a similar style of fighting.  At work, the man is active, articulate, proposing and usually successful in his conversations, especially with other men.  But at home he becomes more inactive, inarticulate, and withdrawn.

His apparent passivity drives her crazy.  He retreats. She goes wild. Even in the wake of the changes cited in Hannah Rosen’s book, The End of Men and the Rise of Women, this phenomenon seems to persist. Renowned marriage counselor, Dr. John Gottman estimates that “about 85 per cent of stonewallers are men, holding feelings tightly inside.” Women often assume they don’t care when, in fact they are overwhelmed by the emotions that the conflict arouses in him,” according to Jed Diamond, author of The Irritable Male Syndrome.

2. How We Make Decisions Can Increase Our Alienation From Each Other

Men are more likely to focus on what action to take next and who should take it.  At work, they concentrate on getting stuff done by either leading or competing for leadership or doing it by himself.

A woman’s instincts are often to get input from others upfront, and work collaboratively. This approach often appears to take more time.  Further, she is more likely to be concerned if the people are not getting along in the group than the man would.  She omay focus, first, on resolving the conflicts, while the man may want to forge ahead to accomplish the task.  Clearly there are big exceptions to these generalizations, especially as more men and women are working in mixed sex groups sooner in their lives.  Obviously there are advantages and disadvantages with both approaches.  If both ways are respected, more gets done.  But that is rare.

In personal relationships the woman appears to want too much as the man sees it.  She may act bitter.  He feels he can’t meet her needs and ends up feeling guilty and sulky. They both end up blaming each other.

He thinks:  If only she’d shut up.

She thinks:  If only he’d listen and talk with me.

3. How Trouble Can Then Escalate Between the Sexes

In both work and personal relationships woman tend to say more, in greater detail and speak longer. (I’m guilty of that.) A man, on the other hand, will speak and move less, especially when feeling confronted, to the point of becoming almost motionless as if that will make him less visible.  He looks passive. He sees an impending fight, which becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. He then seeks to what he feels will be an unproductive emotional scene.  In retreat he inadvertently sparks her further interest in getting the situation resolved right now. In fact he may see a spiraling conflict where she sees a fruitful discussion.  Both are right, of course.

Webster’s defines these two words as follows:

Passive:  Inactive, yielding, taking no part, submissive, acted upon without acting in return.

Wild:  Not easily restrained, angry, vexed, crazed, in a state of disorder, disarrangement, confusion.

Sound familiar?  Dr. Mornell said that the women he met in therapy were not actually deranged or crazy, but they were certainly angry, vexed, and confused.   He said many were also highly intelligent, talented, many working outside the home and of all ages but very unhappy in their marriages. The husbands were also very intelligent, very likeable and working hard in their business lives.

Men are still more likely to want to come home to rest and retreat. Women may too yet they ultimately want to engage. They sought companionship at the end of the workday, while men wanted “some peace and quiet.”

She asks for more. He senses an uncomfortable pressure to perform, which he resists because he feels he is being told what to do. In a way he is.

4. Instinctively Doing More of What You Know Doesn’t Work

Increasingly agitated by his lack of responsiveness, she comes to him with more demands for what he isn’t giving her. That causes him to retreat further.  She may become more pressured, even abusive while he lapses into complete silence. Total passivity.  She goes wild.  The pattern may turn into the scripts that they play out for years.

For example, the husband, in Joseph Heller’s novel, Something Happened, says, “I try my best to remember on what terms (my wife) and I parted this morning, or went to sleep last night, in order to know if she is still angry with me for something I did or did not say or do that I a no longer aware of.  Is she mad or is she glad?  I can’t remember.  And I am unable to tell.  So I remain on guard…“

Consequently his routine around her increasingly falls into the rut of being on guard, walking on eggshells. Her habit is to speak out more, more insistently and repeatedly, for him to “get it” and to respond.  When he doesn’t, she escalates her attack, gets more specific and detailed, more fiercely motivated to get him to finally respond.  He gets overwhelmed, and tunes out sooner, longer and more frequently.

The relationship becomes an endless ferris wheel of cycling futility that they both step onto and seem unable to step off, because they both keep it moving.

5. New (Rude) Rules of Engagement Emerge … see the rest of the suggestions at my “Quotable and Connected” column on Forbes.

See how you can move your organization more swiftly towards social, by adapting one or more of the approaches that I heard at the BusinessNext conference I co-hosted with Mark Fidelman. This column (which appears, in full length in my Quotable and Connected Forbes column) is co-authored by a valued colleague and friend,  social enterprise strategist, Andy Jankowski.

“If HP only knew what HP knows,” former HP executive Lew Platt once famously said. Now that enterprise social software can spur companywide, transparent sharing and collaboration, there’s no excuse. In fact, providing employees with easy and obvious ways to learn faster together and from each other is proving to be one of the most successful approaches for companies to stay competitive and spur employee esprit de corps.

That discovery wouldn’t surprise Teresa Amabile, author of The Progress Principle. She found that employees are most likely to become higher performing and happier when they experienced regular, even small wins, had the opportunity to keep learning with others, and were authentically affirmed by their bosses.

“Human communities depend upon diversity of talent, not a singular conception of ability.”?~ Sir Ken Robinson

Since social software tools speed idea sharing throughout an organization, they multiply opportunities for employees to get things done better together, hone skills and receive wider recognition. In so doing, the company culture becomes more open, productive and tight-knit. Smart firms are viewing their employees as ardent, articulate and connected internal and external ambassadors of their personal and company brand. In so doing companies optimize and retain their top talent.

“Many ideas grow better when transplanted into another mind than in the one where they sprung up.”?~ Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

In 2009, the Canadian telecommunication corporation TELUS started its social transformation by establishing a “Learning 2.0’ system that encouraged continuous, iterative shared learning and collaboration among their 35,000 team members in different countries. Their tools ranged from TELUS Buzz, a microblogging platform of updates and questions to their version of an internal YouTube channel. Both encourage formal and informal learning and other functions such as on-boarding new employees, according to TELUS senior director and head of learning and collaboration, Dan Pontefract, who believes such measures reinforce TELUS’ “future is friendly” credo. He says, “It helps us do our job better and faster and its more engaging.”

“In a time of drastic change, it is the learners who inherit the future. The learned find themselves equipped to live in a world that no longer exists.”?~ Eric Hoffer

These steps proved so fruitful that the company expanded the program in a bold way. The firm allows employees to work from where they want, when they want. That change is tied to two key business metrics: increased employee satisfaction scores and their customers’ likelihood to recommend them to others. This reflects a shift from a ‘Command and Control’ leadership model to one of ‘Cultivate and Coordinate’” according Jacob Morgan, author of The Collaborative Organization, and principle at Chess Media Group, who witnessed the transformation first hand. Pontefract calls it a shift to a “flat army.”

“Intelligence will become more and more collective; innovation and order will become more and more bottom up.”?~ Matt Ridley

BASF, a multinational chemical corporation, made a major move towards social by using IBM Connections to create, “a comprehensive internal online business network for employees to share knowledge, collaborate, and unify the company,” according to Social Business by Design co-author and chief strategy officer at The Dachis Group, Dion Hinchcliffe. Connect.BASF is one of the most extensive internal enterprise communities. According to Hinchcliffe, “this online system included information rich, social media-style employee profiles, status updates, communities of interest, searching and tagging capabilities, blogs, forums, bookmarks, file sharing, and wikis.” While the company hoped to increase worker efficiency and company value, yet Hinchcliffe knew that would only happen if employees were motivated to participate. That’s why BASF focused on showing employees specific ways they could perform their jobs better, using the tools.

“We tend to focus on snapshots of isolated parts of the system, and wonder why our deepest problems never get solved yet sometimes we are able to solve a deep problem because what I don’t know is what the person to my left or right does.”? ~ Peter Senge

See the rest of this column over at Forbes.

After nearly 15 years of vehement denials, Armstrong may own up, it is rumored. He promises he’ll answer Oprah’s interview questions “directly, honestly and candidly.” Yet this is already a very public, social situation that even includes newspaper ads suggesting the questions Oprah should ask. He has alot at risk.

Like watching a kid actually pee in the pool rather than imagining how many people have, the stark reality of seeing Lance Armstrong admit to Oprah he was using drugs, if he does, will hit hard. That’s what Dan Ariely’s research indicates. He’s the author of The (Honest) Truth About Dishonesty. When what was long rumored to be true becomes real, especially seeing it on TV, our feelings are more intensely felt and contagious.  Here are some very human lessons we can learn, from Lance’s situation about the slippery slope of deceit, alleged and otherwise.

1. Soon after you tell a tiny lie or “borrow” something you may not return or deceive in some small way, beware of the stories you start telling yourself about it

Sometimes we rationalize because we want something bad enough.  Like not thinking about the amount of pee that might be in the pool you are about to dive into, or believing the five-second rule of not eating something you just dropped on the floor, like that warm chocolate chip cookie. Who knows what stories those JP Morgan Chase managers told themselves when the deception started at the bank? Did they feel safer when banks’ reputations were tanking and CEO Jamie Dimon actually got the best title a banker could get at the time, “the least-hated banker in America”? Notes Ariely, “Now we have about three billion dollars to prove the contrary.”

2. Our delusion deepens as our cheating does

“We all want explanations for why we behave as we do and for the ways the world around us functions. Even when our feeble explanations have little to do with reality. We’re storytelling creatures by nature, and we tell ourselves story after story until we come up with an explanation that we like and that sound reasonable enough to believe. And when the story portrays us in a more glowing and positive light, so much the better,” discovered Ariely via his experiments.

Warning: Peter Guber, in Tell to Win, advises us to create “purposeful narratives” that inspire others to play a role in our story, and, in so doing, reshape and share it. Yet that advice has a dark side when the storyteller has been successfully deceiving others with it and many have succumbed to the allure to play an unwitting or unsavory part.

3. Fight the fudge factor

Armstrong is charged with involving teammates and others with collectively organizing dope delivery and use, not with taking actual bribes. We are more tempted to be dishonest in situations where we can distance ourselves from the act. Writes Ariely, “the psychological distance between a dishonest act and its consequences creates a fudge factor of rationalization. Thus we are more likely to take computer paper home from work than money from a petty cash box. In an experiment, more MIT dorm students stole food from the dorm refrigerator than cash. Ariely worries that adoption of this fudge factor will become a more wide spread rationalization as we increasingly move towards cashless culture.

See the rest of the tips at my “Quotable and Connected” column on Forbes.

#1 Tap the Little-Known Secret to First Impressions for Building Likeability

Vala Afshar intuitively practices a little-known secret for attracting talented people as friends and colleagues. It’s an obvious truth, once stated. I saw it vividly demonstrated at Pivotcon.Via Twitter, I noticed how he specifically cited others’ insights and accomplishments. Yet it was only in seeing understated Afshar in the packed reception that I saw how people were drawn into his warm orbit.  In the midst of this active crowd, with fast-paced conversations, he was able to bring out two essential parts of each person with whom he spoke.

In his presence they exhibited their:

1. Strongest skill, tied to a passionate interest (Talent)
2. Most becoming side (Temperament)

How?  Vala consistently made authentic, concrete references to the traits others most liked about themselves. Further, he asked the questions and follow-up questions that enabled them to display their remarkable knowledge and favorite ideas. Of course, they wanted to meet up with him again. Here’s the counter-intuitive secret that connective Vala was practicing:

Marshall wasn’t aware that we were closely watching him as he strode into the pool table showroom but he was the ninth unwitting participant in our experiment. He glanced at the sign “Our Three Most Popular Models” that hung above an ornately carved, antique pool table, flanked closely on either side by a bare-bones model and a lean, modern pool table. Frankly it would have been hard to avoid this scene. The sign was hanging from the ceiling at eye-level and the tables rested on the curved end extension of plush, royal purple carpet upon which he stepped after walking through the front door.

The store’s re-opening was announced a month ahead of time with signs in the window, indicating that only 200 people would be allowed in the first day, and able to watch two renowned pro players in a game at the antique table. Passersby could view three flat screen TVs in the window, each showing video vignettes of local media personalities, politicians and civic leaders (all needing to grow their “audience) playing pool. The TV screen in the middle had a sign above it, “Playing on an Antique Pool Table is Priceless.” The screen on the left  featured people playing on the plain, lowest-cost model, with the sign, “Playing is fun for anyone” and the sign above the TV screen on the right, above the mid-priced model, read, “Cool playing and camaraderie never go out of style.”

1. Offer just three simple choices

What happened? In a world of increasing complexity and choice, we can feel stressed when the best choice is not obvious, nor simple. We either don’t make a choice or, if we do, it takes longer and we are less satisfied with our choice. So discovered Barry Schwartz, author of The Paradox of Choice. Conversely – if you, as a seller, provide us with just three vividly clear choices we are more likely to buy something and be more satisfied with our choice. As well, the amount we spend, on average, will be higher.

Here’s how to craft the three choices to nudge more people to buy and to spend more. Make one option almost a no brainer in minimal cost, so they get a “taste” of the opportunity to use your kind of products or services. The basic “bare-bones” pool table fit that category. Make the second option super-deluxe with all the bells and whistles you can provide, like the antique pool table. Price that third option in between the other two, like the modern pool table. My friend, a behavioral scientist who had no experience with pool tables except playing twice with her father-in-law, then keenly observing the avid players over the course of several family visits, made an unexpected decision. She bought a pool table store in her town.

Following her “three choices” approach, she generated an 18% increase in sales over the most lucrative month that the previous owner had ever enjoyed.

Here are six other ways you may sway others to buy or take other action:

2. Get specific sooner

Specificity is the biggest gateway to credibility and memorability.

“We put our customers first.” “We care about our people.” Sound familiar? Lofty, often-used general statements about company values mean nothing to possible customers without specific proof.  Imagine, instead, that a medical clinic used this headline in its outreach, “Now open weekends and evenings for your convenience.” The specific example proves the general conclusion, not the reverse.  Sadly, many times, we make these two big mistakes when trying to sway others.

4. Offer the most alluring alternative

We usually make choices by comparing the options we see in the situation. Instead of attempting to make people feel guilty for taking the lazy route – the escalator – several groups of inventive folks offered the fun option.  They turned the stairs into a set of piano keys so we could make music as we walked up the stairs.

5. Speak to their better nature

Even if we are not acting heroic or decent we instinctively want to demonstrate admirable traits. That’s why one of the most successful anti-littering campaigns had this motto on highway signs that built on Texas pride, “Don’t mess with Texas.” See the rest of the methods to persuade others to act at my “Connected and Quotable” column at Forbes.  

Some startled neighbors who were out walking or at their window yesterday asked why we were carrying a fully-decorated Christmas tree up our steep street in Sausalito. Upon hearing our story, Martin, Jim, Ingrid, Julia and Jacob, joined us, carefully picking up the fallen angel (haven’t we all fallen at some point?), wise man and blue bird ornaments along the way.

The backstory began the previous evening when walking along the Sausalito waterfront with my friends visiting from Dublin and Austin. Looking over across Richardson Bay they saw the light shining on top of the hill on Angel Island. I told them what a local had told me, that a Sausalitan paid for the light each Christmas in memory of her spouse, a story I later learned was not true. That sparked a conversation about our loved ones, now gone, that we’d honor with a Christmas light.

In that spirit, the next morning we drove across the Golden Gate Bridge to buy a Christmas tree from the resourceful, recovering folks at Delancey Street. Jim spoke of his best friend, killed by a drunk driver in Austin, three weeks after returning from Iraq. Ingrid, whose mother had disappeared when she was ten, described how her deceased, Iranian stepmother made them a Swedish meal each Christmas because that was a family tradition that Ingrid shared with her father.  My fiancé, who was accidentally killed in Bogota six years ago, used to gather his friends to lead us in singing carols on Christmas Eve.  While my friends knew each other rather well, telling these specific stories was a way of bearing comforting witness for each other.

Back home I retrieved my collection of ornaments from the attic.  We decided to be top-of-Angel Island-lights for each other. As each of us placed an ornament on the tree, we took turns recalling a time when we felt honored or comforted by another of us. Soon the blue spruce tree was graced with ornaments that held more personal meaning for us.

We were just about to start making dinner when my neighbor, Hans, from up the hill called to invite us to join him for homemade, gingered yam soup. For the ten years I’ve known them, his wife made that soup, a family tradition, and invited me, and three others in Sausalito up for early holiday supper. They always had a Christmas tree in the front window. Velda, his wife, passed away this March. Earlier, I’d noticed that he’d not gotten a tree this year. Their children did not visit much.

You probably guessed where this story is heading. I wish I could say it was my idea, but… see the rest of the story at my “Connected and Quotable” column at Forbes.

Violence doesn’t happen out of nowhere, but kindness can.

1. Choose Your Spot for Bringing Out the Better Side in Others

 At first drivers were startled on their way to work when they passed the man on the curb of an Oakland, California, street. He was enthusiastically waving at them with his outsized white glove and a wide grin on his face. Soon, they became habituated to this anonymous character’s daily appearance. After awhile some even began waving back. Others thumbed their nose at him or worse. Unfazed, he smiled back at them. He never held a sign nor begged. Over the years more people began waving back. The day he did not appear many drivers were slowed down as they past his spot, looking around for him.

A local newspaper reporter wrote a story about him. Sam died that morning in the shelter for the homeless where he worked to earn his keep. That news story attracted more letters than any other that year in Oakland. And Sam’s spot on the sidewalk was piled high with flowers and white gloves the next day.  The city’s traffic engineer estimates that at least 30,000 people saw Sam wave at least once over his eight-year stint.

2. Your Good (or Bad) Behavior Spreads to the Third Degree of Separation

Who knows how many individuals had their spirits lifted and became kinder to the next people they encountered as a consequence of seeing Sam at them?  After all, emotions are contagious according to Connected co-authors James Fowler and Nicholas Christakis. Your supportive words and actions will be imitated, not only by your friends, but also their friends and the friends of those friends.

Hint:  What distinctive gesture can you make a part of your life to bring out the kinder, more thoughtful side in others? My friend Kris Schaeffer wrote on her Facebook page, “Given today’s horrible event in Connecticut, I am going to do 30 random acts of kindness.” Why not give yourself a daily quota of three?

3. Don’t Give Up When Hit by the Law of Unintended Consequences

Many of us were moved by the fast-spreading story of the “bitterly cold night” when police officer, Lawrence DePrimo, went into a store and paid $100 of his own money to buy sturdy boots for a barefoot homeless man he’d seen on the street. Days later the rest of the story came out. When asked why he wasn’t wearing them, Jeffrey Hillman, the homeless man, said he’d hidden them, “They are worth a lot of money.  I could lose my life.”

Hint:  Don’t give up being supportive because an act of goodwill goes awry. Instead recognize a more constructive way to hone your support.

4. Praise the Trait They Most Like in Themselves

Here is reinforcement for you to praise the part in someone (however small and rarely demonstrated) that you genuinely admire when you are tempted, in the moment, to “go negative.” In discussing David Meyer’s book, Intuition: Its Powers and Perils, Gretchen Rubin writes in The Happiness Project, of this rule of human behavior, it “gave me another reason to stop being so critical.” “In ‘spontaneous trait transference,’ people spontaneously and unintentionally associate what you say about other people with the qualities they then see in you. So if I tell Jean that Pat is arrogant or stupid, unconsciously Jean will associate that quality with me. On the other hand, if I say that Pat is brilliant or hilarious, I’ll be linked to those qualities.”

“Ever wondered why people want to kill the messenger who brings bad news? Trait transference. So by being more generous and genuinely enthusiastic, you will improve other’s behavior as well as my own.

5. Spur Them to Act Nicer When Around You

Here’s what also happens. Whatever behavior you most remark upon in someone else is the trait that person is most likely to exhibit more of when around you. Compliment him on his planning that weekend trip (never mind that it is the second time he has done so in years) and he is more likely to plan more. If he does something that peeves you and you remain silent, rather than commenting, then those irritating behaviors are most likely to dissipate, rather than increase. Talking or acting against a behavior is akin to underlining a sentence on the page.  You give the thought more energy and memorability.

“Underlining” the actions of another with your reactions motivates that person to react to you. That deepens the rut in the memory road for both of you.  It reinforces a behavioral script you meant to erase.  Such action evokes the Law of Unintended Consequences.

Amy Sutherland wrote about a variation of this effect in her New York Times article, “What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage. “ For weeks her article remained the newspaper’s most popular link and led to a book deal.  In conducting research for her book, Kicked Bitten and Scratched, she… See the rest of the tips to bring out others’ side at my Forbes column.

It’s in the blood. Sir Richard Branson’s son  Sam is disrupting at least one industry. Entertainment. Sam announced today that anyone in the world can view his documentary for free for one month, not in movie theatres, but on his production company’s branded YouTube channel.

See it as another sign that your organization is facing a threat and opportunity: Video disruption. The lines are rapidly blurring between TV, movies, documentaries, amateur and professional video vignettes and how-to programming. Novel new partnerships for creation, promotion and distribution are proliferating, threatening the status quo.

2013 is the year that your organization either creates it’s own “TV” programs or is in danger of losing out to a competitor that may not yet exist. With the right partners, you could either launch a video-based start-up to serve the market you know best or suggest that your organization do so.

 1.    Forge Audience-Building Partnerships 

Sam Branson’s production company Sundog Pictures partnered with google, which owns YouTube, to launch the documentary. Breaking the Taboo, which is about the war on drugs. YouTube featured the film on its home page and hosted premieres in New York, and in London, with Richard Branson bringing celebrity friends to celebrate. Morgan Freeman narrated a video teaser, starring Kate Winslet (causing an unexpected and odd stir), Dizzee Rascal, Mia Farrow and other celebrities are promoting using the hashtag #breakthetaboo.

Why all this upfront “social” and in-person promotion for a film that will not be released until next year? Sundog’s Johnny Webb said: “It’s incredibly difficult to get significant theatrical distribution even for the most acclaimed feature documentary, and even then you can measure audiences in the tens of thousands.” This way, “we believe we can reach millions of people rather than thousands, and create a virtuous circle of promotion which will boost viewing in the global TV window.” Google is on an uneven global spending binge to upgrade and expand the number of channels, genres, access and content creator support on YouTube, which is already experiencing exponential growth, and it has committed $300 million to market them.

That makes it a mighty attractive distribution channel. And your organization can be valuable to YouTube because you have a built-in market.

What you need next is a video-based audience-involving situation, conference or other event, social experiment, contest, stakeholder crowdsourcing opportunity or other way to move from push marketing to pull content. Here are some ways others are using video to grow their to grow increasingly engaged with their key stakeholders and top of mind in their market.

2. You Don’t Need Celebrities or Big Bucks to Benefit From Video

Feel like you are in the boots of extreme skier Matthias Giraud as he does his double backflip and then air drops off a mountain. You can because Giraud can mount a simple video camera to his helmet, thanks to the small firm, GoPro, a small firm that serves, “the extreme sports and active lifestyle consumer, according to Karen Leland, who interviewed the founder of a RingzTV, Robert May who said the mounts can be attached to everything from snowboard helmets, to scuba diving masks, to the handlebars of a bike.”

Consequently, according to Leland, sports enthusiasts have been “making inspirational and extreme videos using the special mounts and syndicating them across the web via YouTube and their own channels on Ringz.TV” which offers what it calls, “a la carte television with addictive fast, free apps to monetize 4-screen video.” Thus RingzTV, like YouTube, can become one of your distribution channels.  As May and Leeland suggest, you are co-creating with your customers a free promotion program and a rapid feedback loop for product innovation and insights abut the most lucrative niches to pursue.

3. Authors, Personalities and Companies Can Collaborate to Reach a Larger Audience 

“Networks, authors and even publishers increasingly capitalize on the popularity of titles and characters,” notes Nina Metz as more eyes move front the printed page to many screens. Lucky authors with a hot story idea, perhaps not even a finished book, get compensated by a relatively new alliance between Random House and Fremantle Media,  the producer of American Idol, The X Factor and the international Got Talent franchise, Instead of paying for product placement or traditional advertising companies should consider hiring or partnering with authors who are or could be popular in their market to co-create an audience-involving story to pitch to this new Random House TV partnership. That’s might tempting as the potential audience is huge. As Freemantle’s Richard Vargas explained, “There are over 3.2 billion views of Fremantle content on YouTube today. That’s where our audiences are going, from TV to the new media world, so we are moving there as well.”

Authors have a larger opportunity that I believe will quickly expand to include popular personalities and thought leaders with a large and avid constituency and a partnership with an adept writer, if necessary. Why? Because as the fight grows for building audiences around “content” and the mix of partnerships evolves, all parties will be iteratively experimenting like mad, with what kind of personalities, formats, interactive elements and audiences make the magical mix for maximum profitability.

Here are just a few examples if video usage that invite participation… See the rest of the column at Forbes.