Something in yesterday’s “Modern Love“ column struck me as ringing true, not only for enduring marriages but for flourishing friendships, “Being single is all about the future, about the person you’re going to meet at Starbucks or after answering the next scientific compatibility questionnaire. Being married, after a certain point, is about the past, about a steadily growing history of moments that provide a confidence of comfort, an asset that compounds over time.”  

Perhaps friendships also compound with our attentive interest over time.

Holidays are poignant anyway. Why not use the emotions that arise to deepen your relationships?  Choose the role you want to play in other’s lives, rather than fall into the one you are expected to play.

Inevitably we will disappoint each other at times.  The key however to satisfying, enduring friendships or marriage is not obvious. In fact it is often baffling.

We are most likely to assume the secret to friendship is how often we are happy in the company of friends as compared to the moments they disappoint us.

Yet if we want to keep and cultivate that valued relationship  - and be happier in it – here’s some seldom-discussed habits to practice. Some go against the grain of our instinctive behavior and I confess I am not adept at them.  But they are well worth practicing and there’s no better time than this holiday. Inevitably as we gather or call each other or exchange emails, we are contemplating our family and friends and the roles we play in each other’s lives. 

To bring your friends closer and enjoy them more, consider altering your role in their lives.  In fact, create new scenes to create the storyline you want to live for the rest of your life.

Here’s three ways to bring out the best side of the main characters who most matter to you and increase your mutual appreciation of each other. 

1. Focus on their strongest talent and temperament

Praise friends when they are displaying their strengths. Give them slack when they aren’t, as Gretchen Rubin suggests in The Happiness Project.  In practicing genuine praise, in the moment, you’ll feel become less reactive and they’ll feel safer and accepted.  That attitude and action paves the road to reciprocal praise behavior and to greater closeness. 

2. Practice the Golden Golden Rule

Rather than doing unto others as you would have done unto you, step outside yourself. Instead do unto others as they would have done unto them.  Act and speak to support them in the ways they most need and value, not the ways that most matter to you.

One of the most precious ways is to show appreciation for the ways they are better than you. For example, David Sarasohn notes, “I am somewhat better with words than my wife is; she is infinitely better with people. In different ways, we translate each other to the rest of the world, and admire each other’s contrasting language skills. Being married to someone you respect for being somehow better than you keeps affection alive. That this impressive person chooses you year after year makes you more pleased with yourself, fueling the kind of mutual self-esteem that can get you through decades.”

3. Cultivate a Positive Attribution Bias

Notice how often you smile, praise, and give slack as compared to taking umbrage, making an abrupt, hurt or hostile face or sharply commenting back when you feel you have not been well-treated. (I find this terribly hard to do yet am working on it.)

Here’s why this is so powerful.

If happy couples who stay together have a high ratio of positive to negative interactions with each other it seems likely that behavior among friends would yield the same result.  In short, when a valued friend does something that jars you assume the best of intentions.  Here’s the payoff.  In a study people were asked, “Generally speaking, would you say that most people can be trusted, or that you cannot be too careful in dealing with people?” Your answer reflects the strength of your relationships.

Couples are more likely to divorce when they:

• Are more likely to attribute the good things in their lives together to their partner’s selfish motivations. of their partner. “He’s cleaning the house just to butter me up for his fishing weekend with his buddies.”

• Blame their problems and daily hassles on their partners. “If she’d stop nagging me about reviewing our bills we’d have more fun on weekends.” 

Couples are happier and more likely to stay together when:

• Generously give credit to their partner for things that happen.

• See hidden virtues accompanying their partner’s foibles and faults.

Ironically this “assume the best” trusting behavior even affects countries, discovered Dacher Keltner, author of Born to Be Good. The lower the test level in the country the less likely it is doing well economically.

Looking for the good part in someone’s behavior is what Confucius believed was a way of making life meaningful for oneself and those in one’s life. He called this practicing “jen.”  As Keltner describes it, “A person of jen, wishing to establish his own character, also establishes the character of others. A person of jen brings the good things of others to completion and does not bring the bad things of others to completion. Jen is felt in that deeply satisfying moment when you bring out the goodness in others.”

3. Spend face time with each other.  Regularly.

Not just over this holiday. Nothing reveals values as much as how you spend your time. Stay in contact in other ways when you are not nearby. With familiarity one reduces the chance of Attribution Bias. When your friend hogs the dinner conversation, talking about his difficult boss you have enough experiences with him to know that he needs to vent, wants concrete advice and is a good sounding board for you when the situation is reversed.  In short, he has put emotional deposits in the bank of your friendship.  You don’t make the Attribution Bias of mistaking his volubility with self-centeredness.

“The more moments we share the more comfort grows,” wrote David Sarasohn.

Bottom Line:  We know we are each capable of great good and evil and many everyday acts in between.

Yet where will you put your attention this holiday? Consider the Indian story of the two wolves inside of you. One can focus on the selfishness in friends and family members or the good. Whatever you focus on you will see more of around you.  See greed and selfishness? That’s what you’ll expect. Look for moments of generosity and selflessness. That’s what you’ll reflect back – and increase the chances that you will experience more – with others. 

Such practice is not as easy as buying gifts yet it may be the most precious present we can give those we cherish and hope to bring closer – and enjoy ourselves. As Jonathan Haidt reminds us. “For most of us relationships are the surest route to happiness.”

Thank you all for the thoughtful, kind and generous comments, emails, calls and other ways of reaching out and friendship throughout this year. Here’s to our practicing our kindest roles with and for each other in what promises to be a volatile 2010 where friendship can make all the difference. Light your candle to glow on your friends. Together we’ll cast a brighter glow on the good and reinforce that behavior in each other.

“Wall Street swindler Bernie Madoff failed to protect his assets with a bankruptcy motion. His lawyer tried to get all charges dropped. He argued that Madoff is no longer a threat to society because there aren’t any rich people anymore,” writes Argus Hamilton in jest.

Here’s two more mock news items from Argus:

“Earth Day is a day when Democrats call for new sources of energy to replace fossil fuels, and Republicans make an extra effort to replace their divots.”

“Captured Somali pirate Abduwali Muse appeared in a Manhattan federal court where he was arraigned on charges of piracy. The 5-foot-2, 90-pound African teenager broke down crying in court. He doesn’t want to be adopted by Madonna.”

Feeling stressed or sad? Humor helps – if it’s the right kind. Did a situation turn tense? Humor can make it evaporate – if it’s the right kind. When feeling powerless  - or overpowering – the right kind of humor can even the field. Want to bring others closer? Try the kind of humor that leads to living well – with others. This might help….

Frank Visco wrote, tongue-in-cheek that, “One should never generalize” but I will. Everyone takes one of three approaches to humor:

1. Divide: Using it to defend,or deflect and thus divide.

2. Unite: Using it as a way to relieve tension, heal hurt feelings or otherwise bring people closer.

3. Ignore: Seeing it as silly, a waste of time or both. Humor should be deflected or ignored.

Each behavior affects others in different ways.

First the worst.

1. Divisive Humor is Insulting to Someone …. and Often Hilarious.

Even well-meaning, kidding humor from someone who knows you well can hurt. He knows where to strike. As in the Rules of Combat, “The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.” 

In your car, patience is a quality you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead. In humor, if it’s funnier to say than the hear, then it’s divisive. 

There are exceptions. Some apparently divisive humor is often unifying because of the near universal opinion of the target. One method is to simply repeat the target’s words. Here are examples.

1. A music reviewer wrote, “Few people know that the CIA is planning to cripple Iran by playing the Bee Gee’s ESP album on special loudspeakers secretly parachuted into the country.”

2.”Please provide the date of your death.” ~ a quote from an IRS letter received by a reporter.

3.  Sometimes the institution sets itself up for a double shot of humor. Here’s a Correction Notice in a British newspaper: “We apologize for the error in last week’s paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce.”

4. In his testimony before Congress as to his role in Iran-Contra, then Colonel Oliver North, said, “I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version.”

5.  Some apparently divisive humor merely reflects the understandable emotion of the moment.  Thus it becomes unifying. “Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl.” said football coach Bill Peterson.

6.  “It’s no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another.”~ George H. Bush

7. Happiness, for some, is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

To help a group recover from someone’s use of divisive humor, try unifying humor: “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”

In the next post I’ll describe how unifying humor cracks tension, improves health, brings us closer, makes us more popular, more hopeful – and more money, yet not necessarily thinner, unfortunately.

The source of inspiration for today’s post is the passing of an actress who used unifying humor to side with the underdog. Her wise-cracking warmth enabled her to speak up on the sometimes controversial issues in which she believed. A mark of using humor well is when it brings out the better side in others. You did that so well and so often, Beatrice Arthur. 

… to decide whether you like or trust the person, say researchers. Snap judgments happen  without conscious thought. Yet another part of the study has scarier implications for forging relationships. When participants were given more time to describe their reactions they were:

   •  Slightly more negative than those given less time.

   •  More certain that they were right in their quick judgment.

And from a study on Facebook called YouJustGetMe, in viewing photos, people are

 “generally seen by others as they see themselves.”

How to Cultivate Friendship and Attract Support

From these findings, for a first meeting to flourish, in person or online, into a positive relationship, two people must feel positive about each other upfront and over time during that first “meeting”.  Only then can you enjoy the Positively Mutually-Reinforcing Effect.  That’s when we prove each other right – that we are trustworthy and likeable – for each other. 

Since no human interactions are neutral, the alternative is the Negatively Mutually-Reinforcing Effect.  That’s when one or both us don’t like or trust each other at first.  Consequently we become self-protective and spiral down in the mutually-reinforcing behaviors that prove ourselves right.

 People Like People Who Like Them

How to start out on the right foot in person?  From other research here’s a counter-intuitive discovery. Most of us, when meeting someone we think is important to us, attempt to appear likeable, important and trustworthy. Our behavior is often self-referencing.  Yet the best way for others to like you is for them to like the way they are when around you. 

If they don’t like the way they act and feel when around you, they project onto you the qualities they most dislike  – even if you haven’t demonstrated you have those traits.  They are inclined to sabotage you  – even if such behavior also damages them. 

Alternatively, if they like the way they are when around you, they see in you the qualities they most admire.  Yep.  Even if you’ve not (yet) demonstrated that you have those wonderful qualities. Plus they’ll go out of their way to speak well of you and help you, even to their own detriment.

So, for an easier, more joyful life  - with others – make it a habit when you first meet someone to search for the quality in that person you most like and admire. Focus your attention on that trait, not something that bothers you. Your positive feeling will be reflected in your face, body language and tone. Speak to that positive view. In so doing, you are most likely to instigate a pleasant interaction at the least and, at the most, a healthy give-and-take friendship. Then explore more ways to deepen that connection.