Become an opportunity-maker for the member organization that most matters to you. Imagine that your association or special interest group kept innovating to create more value and meaning for members.

That’s what TED has done and we can too by taking three collaborative steps over time:

1. Offer a single major conference  – as most associations already do, of course. Involve the members in choosing topics, speakers and formats, base on core guidelines, chosen by member vote. Create a format that enables members to participate in reach a single – and singular goal.

2. Encourage the launch of local conferences yet don’t try to control them. Instead create ground rules for local leaders to succeed while maintaining the quality of the “brand.”

3. Co-brand a fresh version of your national conference with another respected organization on vital topic that matters to the members of both organizations. Allow the founders of your local conferences to co-sponsor that new conference by enabling their members to view it together in their area.

The team at the TED conference announced this third step today.  See how you could adapt these steps to the member group that most matters to you.

Step One

The national TED conference has grown increasingly popular throughout the past 22 years, with the biggest community of members becoming those who avidly watch the videos of speakers.

Step Two

Building on the strength of that largely online community, TED launched, just last April, local events dubbed TEDx. Rather, in true collaborative fashion, they announced guidelines for these local events and invited people to co-host, design and run them. In just one year local leaders stepped up and hosted over 600 such events around the globe.

Hint: To encourage local events, the guidelines start with the benefits for the local organizers and provides an easy-to-follow toolkit: “In the spirit of ‘Ideas Worth Spreading,’ TEDx is a program that enables schools, businesses, libraries or just groups of friends to enjoy a TED-like experience through events they themselves organize, design and host.

We’re supporting approved organizers by offering a free toolkit that includes detailed advice, the right to use recorded TEDTalks, promotion on our site, connection to other organizers, and a little piece of our brand in the form of the TEDx label.”

In so doing, local communities bonded, learning together and created other local collaborations.  Imagine! In over 25 languages were spoken at these talks with opportunities for translation to spread the messages farther – and make speakers more well-known, thus spurring participation by great speakers.

Hint: the more popular your events become the more people you attract to donate their services.

This is the path to peace – and savoring your life with others. Diverse individuals meeting to learn and share best ideas with each other – and, in conversations during the event and afterwards, to find ways they can accomplish greater things together, than they can alone.

Step Three

Today the third step was announced. A new event is linking local groups to the mother ship of the national group – around a new topic area, yet connected to the underlying TED brand of innovation, new ideas – and solving a problem together.  Local groups will get to meet and share this new event live – with other local chapters around the world.  The announcement was that “On September 20, 2010, more than 150 of the world’s leading thinkers and doers will come together in New York for TEDxChange, convened by Melinda French Gates … and hosted by TED founder Chris Anderson.”

With such member loyalty, interest and clout accumulated by TED it can attract a big-time partner – the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation.  Also together they share a Sweet Spot of mutual interest – bringing bright minds together to address a big problem: how to improve health around the world.

Plus smart partners tie their collaboration to as many meaning goals and events as they credibly can.  For example, this conference is tied to the 10th anniversary of the famous Millennium Development Goals.

This is a three- stage template that you could use to grow the value and visibility of your profession association – and make it more meaningful for your members.

In fact any member-based club or special interest group could adapt it to their needs to grow its capacity to make powerful changes while imbuing its members with a sense of meaning in their participation.

Think what the Rotary Clubs have accomplished over 20 years with their single goal, bottom-up approach to wiping out polio.  Imagine local Rotary clubs have rallied around this single cause and have raised about $127.4 million for this cause – plus personally worked on projects to make it happen. That gives their lives meaning and builds extraordinary bonds between members and with those they selflessly serve. That dedication and progress towards a singular goal (key to great collaboration) attracted the Gates foundation as a partner.

Tip: When people bring out each other’s best talents in collaboration around a sweet spot of mutual interest they accomplish greater things together than they ever could on their own – and they savor the experience along the way.

To make your member-based organization a member-attracting tool for major change and a source of meaning in the life of your members what singular goal would you suggest they achieve?  For your organization, how would you adapt this three-step approach that has been wildly successful for TED?

Even though we know we are more likely to savor life and attract more opportunities to collaborate when we click with others, we often get in our own way – especially when we are distracted or worse.  Here are five concrete ways to connect with others.

1. Face the world as you want to be treated

We’ve all been startled by observing a passerby’s dour expression instantly transformed into a warm smile when someone they knew came into view. The fixed-face habit is increasingly common yet it limits one’s opportunities to make friends or just be treated well.

I envy those who naturally display an open face, yet, with practice, we all can. We don’t have to turn into grinning fools. Research shows, however, that even slightly elevated eyebrows cause the eyes to widen and – presto – one looks more open and less judgmental. Strangers unconsciously project onto such people the qualities they most admire in others, believe those people care – and act more generously towards them.

Unknowingly, as a journalist I came to have an intense facial expression, especially interviewing people I found fascinating (that’s my excuse anyway) until I interviewed an expert on Paul Ekman’s research on reading faces. He gently suggested that it would only take a couple of months of practice to “transform” my face into one with the open expression he was exhibiting in our interview.  It took me much longer – yet his advice comes to mind every time I see a dour or hardened face. That person probably does not understand the missed opportunities for friendship and more – just from this one simple habit.

2. Tour your body for vital signs

When you are literally uptight–rigid in any part of your body - others instinctively resist or even react against you. This phenomenon is akin to bouncing a hard rubber ball on a concrete surface as compared to a soft carpet. The ball bounces higher and faster against the hard surface than the soft one, of course, just as others react more against a body that is even inadvertently held tight against the world.

Whenever you are entering an unfamiliar or potentially volatile situation, loosen up physically. It will help you feel more at ease. Walk, stretch, and release tension from the places where you hold it in your body.

Probably –like many conscientious, hard-working people– you hold your shoulders higher and slightly more forward than is natural, with one of the tendons in your neck tightened up even more than the other. If someone can give you a quick three-minute shoulder and neck massage, you will relax – and look at ease.  Others will respond more warmly to you.

Here’s another quick way to feel and look comfortable. Take your “pointing” fingers and the ones adjacent to them and rub both sides of your face in small circles, beginning at the cheek bone, near the sides of your nose, continuing along that bone towards your ears, down to the jaw line and on toward the center of your chin.

3. We feel closer to happy people, especially when we are happy

Enjoy the bond-building boomerang effect that happens with contagious happiness (when you’re happy, you cause your friends to feel happier, and that makes their friends happier).  As the circles of friends around you feel happier their upbeat behavior will swing around back through those friends towards and around you, reinforcing your capacity to stay contented.

Plus those positive feelings that boomerang back to you in waves from others serve as an emotional cushion in your rocky times. I’m suggesting this as reinforcement for you to smile your way into a better way of feeling. When we feel down we close down and withdraw. This boomerang affect enables you and those you are around to open up to each other.

4. Worried? Don’t keep thinking about it. Act towards what makes you happier.

Women tend to worry more than men so it is especially important for us, when we start to feel anxious or depressed to mentally change the channel of thought to something – any small thing – that lightens our mood.

Consider this.  In any situation you only have three choices: 1. Change how you act, 2. Accept the situation, or 3. Leave.  The sooner you make a decision the less likely you deepen the rut in your memory of fixating on worrying rather than acting to change.

5. Meet new people to see fresh sides in yourself

Want to pull new people into your life?  Like to show an evolving new facet of yourself?  Get out of your orbit. Attend a lecture, sit at a lively café, join a civic, special interest or non-profit committee.   In short, put yourself in a place where you don’t know anyone well.

That’s when, “we are more free to experiment with ourselves, and less likely to have our new behaviors and roles reflected back to us by people who object, ‘But that’s not like you!,’”  says Melinda Blau, co-author of Consequential Strangers: The Power of People Who Don’t Seem to Matter. . . But Really Do. She adds, “Strangers help us stretch beyond the relatively rigid boxes that the people who have known us the longest – our family and close friends – often put us into.”

This may be the surest way to turn the page for the next chapter of your life to be the kind of adventure story you now want. Even within one hour you can learn specific ways to stand out in your work or life.

I met my high school boyfriend when I was upset and swung open my locker door so fast I banged him on the head as he was leaning into his locker. Not everyone can take such a first encounter in stride let alone retort with a grin, “If this is how you treat strangers how do handle enemies?” This unflappable humor made us instant friends and helps in his work now as an ER doctor.

I met one of my closest girlfriends at a fundraiser dinner when a big donor at our table made a snide comment to us about a homely woman at the adjacent table. My soon-to-be-friend responded warmly to him, acting as if he meant his insult as a compliment about that lady. In so doing she warmed us up towards her and deflected him from continuing that line of “humor.”

“The best time to make friends is before you need them.” ~Ethel Barrymore

Here are six ways we draw people to us:

1.  When someone is snide or otherwise rude, thoughtless or difficult in front of others, rather than acting affronted, interpret their words or actions as if they meant well.  That way that person has the opportunity to self-correct and save face rather than feel cornered by your correcting him so he escalates his negative behavior.

2.   Use self-deprecating humor that highlights an admirable trait in her – especially one that matters to her, at the expense of your own related trait.  In so doing she flourishes around you.  When others like how they feel when around you they will like you.

Some  effortlessly make friends with all kinds of people. For the rest of us it helps to understand how they draw people to them. Having just a few close friendships is especially vital in this increasingly connected yet more transient world.

Thankfully even apparently small behaviors can make a huge difference in our ability to make friends.

“In my friend, I find a second self.” ~Isabel Norton

3.   College students living in the center of dorms tend to have more friends than those at the end of the halls. Those in center offices have more relationships with colleagues than those who work in the corners of buildings.  Those who sit side-by-side in just one meeting will feel more comfortable with each other later than with others in the meeting yet will not usually know why.

This so-called Proximity Effect is discussed in Rom and Ori Brafman’s new book Click. When you want to get to know someone, find a way to sit or stand next to them in some situation – the more times the better.

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too?” ~ C.S. Lewis

While it’s obvious that people like people who are like them the extent of this so-called Similarity Effect is considerably deeper than I would have thought. For example, in a study cited in Click, if a woman asked me for a donation, she would have double the chance of getting me to give if she was wearing a nametag with my name on it.

That’s why bonding happens when people first meet and ask those innocuous yet safe questions about where they live, work, went to school or grew up. Once you find a shared interest – the deeper the better – explore it further. I’m drawn, for example, to other avid readers.

“Probably no man ever had a friend that he did not dislike a little.” ~E.W. Howe

To connect with someone, here’s the warning – we are wired to respond sooner, longer and more intensely to the negative rather than the positive things someone else does. It’s our primitive brain wiring to survive – Fight or Flight Syndrome.

Yet when we are physically close to someone when seems much different than us then we are likely to feel, not more positive, but more negative towards that person than if she was further away. That’s why, for example, that students in racially mixed high schools are more likely to be racist.

People like people who are like them and people like people who like them.

Here’s why that’s important, especially when you first meet or re-meet someone. Focus on finding the things about that person that are most like you and that you like:

A. Speak first about those traits you share.

B. Speak next about what you honestly respect or like about that person.

Keep those feelings and thoughts top-of-mind so that you feel, act and speak to that side of the person. That’s relationship glue-building. If you start to get irritated about something don’t focus on the feeling.  Instead turn your mind to one of their positive traits.

There’s a double benefit for you in practicing this. Your capacity to befriend those who are not like you enables you to:

A. Lead a richer, more varied life where you may have diverese adventures and work and social opportunities.

B. You will be able to recognize and express more facets of your temperament and use your talents in more varied ways.

“Friends are relatives you make for yourself.”  ~Eustache Deschamps

5. Those who make friends most easily are what psychologist Mark Snyder has dubbed “high self-monitors.” The Brafmans call them social chameleons. When done consciously, followers of NLP call this mirroring and matching. Without effort or an attempt to manipulate however chameleons instinctively bring out the facet of their personality that is most like the person they are with.

As Rita Carter suggests in Multiplicity, we have many people inside of us. Some people bring out our worst sides and we dislike them for that effect.

“Without wearing any mask we are conscious of, we have a special face for each friend.” ~Oliver Wendell Holmes

These chameleons bring out the best side on more kind of people. Sometimes that makes them adept instigators of projects, or facilitators of teams with diverse personalities.  They may become the glue that sticks the group together. See how much of a self-monitor you are.

The downside is in deepening friendships as high self-monitors may not demonstrate how they feel but rather what they feel is wanted by others. As with any strength there’s a flip side. The good news is that, in understanding both the strength and the disadvantage of such chameleon behavior, we recognize the value of it in the beginning to create the familiarity that builds trust.

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive.” ~Anäis Nin

6. I love to design and arrange furniture and glass lighting yet have difficulty with even minor computer problems. One of my dearest friends is a gadget geek who helps me with computer fixes and advises me about if and when to buy the shiny new thing. And I thoroughly enjoyed creating Danish/Italian-style sofas, chairs and a dining table for the home he just bought.

Those who keenly aware of their talents are more likely to see the benefits in befriending individuals with different ones because such relationships enable them to accomplish greater things for each other – or together. This is the Complementarity Effect. Sure we can find most anything online yet we can’t be an expert at everything. Having friends who have different talents and interests makes life easier and more enjoyable.

“If a man does not make new acquaintances as he advances through life, he will soon find himself alone.  A man should keep his friendships in constant repair.”  ~Samuel Johnson

We have to go out of our way to keep such friendships strong because we have different top interests and ways of thinking, talking or doing things.  Yet research shows that we tend to take  for granted that which comes easily to us and to value that which we work at maintaining.

Here’s to cultivating and keeping ever-deepening relationships to savor life together.

“It takes a long time to grow an old friend.”  ~John Leonard

After the Lakers’ stinging defeat to the Suns what stuck in my mind was the image of Kobe Bryant and Derek Fisher staying behind in the locker room after teammates had left to hash over what happened. The intense conversation was their singular focus. That’s a sure sign of a strong partnership. How do they happen?

1. True partnership won’t happen without mutual respect and respect is rarely gained without earning it from each other:

“It started at a tournament in Long Beach over the summer,” Bryant said. “We were playing together over the summer, working long hours, and as the season went on, we didn’t play much, so we had to go in to work early and play a lot of one-on-one.”

“Fisher, a stumpy 6-foot-1 guard…would not back down to Bryant, who headed one of the gifted preps-to-pros classes of the 1990s. They clawed each other on court, commiserated off it and ultimately coalesced into an enduring tandem, the Lakers’ Lone Ranger and Tonto.”

2. Mutual trust rises sharply after partners experienced sticking together through a tough situation.  That trust is reinforced the more times partners demonstrate it for each other:

“ We’ve gone through different facets of life together,” Bryant said. “He’s always been a standup guy, a friend who is more like a brother.”

“When you’ve lived through fire together, the comfort level is there, before and after games, on the bus, text messages and whatever,” Derek Fisher said of Kobe Bryant.

3. Agree on a single and singular goal that reflects the sweet spot of mutual benefit. (You don’t have to be on a sports team to become higher-performing by agreeing on – not a bunch of “wants” – but one top goal):

“We’re constantly thinking about what this team needs in order to win a championship,” says Derek Fisher.

4. Bring out the better side in your partner:

“Most teammates thought Bryant was arrogant, aloof, out of touch with reality. Fisher believed he was just young and misunderstood.”5. An affectionate nickname is a sign of a cemented partnership:

“In a league currently obsessed with mega free agents contemplating coexistence with another outsize ego, seldom has there been a pro basketball partnership like Bryant and Fisher’s — the highly credentialed and often contentious superstar and his special vocational friend, the man Bryant affectionately calls Fish.”

6. Never let up on growing and on proving your worth to your partners and for yourself:

• Fisher said of Bryant, “As we’ve both aged, I think he respected the things I had to do to stay at a high level.”

• Coach Phil Jackson “thought Bryant’s appreciation of Fisher grew exponentially in 2000-1, when Fisher missed 62 games but returned for the playoffs and made 51 percent of his 3-pointers while averaging 13.4 points.”

• ‘He’s been giving him the ball ever since,’ Jackson said, while noting that Fisher, as the quasi point guard in the triangle offense, had enough currency not to reciprocate when he thought the ball should go elsewhere.”

7. Good partners go out of their way to support each other in their enlightened self-interest. Great partners go out of their way to support each other:

• In their eight years together, Michael Jordan, so appreciated John Paxson as the Bulls’ spot-up jump shooter that “he made a personal appeal to ownership in 1991 when Paxson was in danger of being dropped.”

• “Two years later, Paxson repaid the debt, sealed the trust, when his 3-pointer from the left wing against the Suns nailed down the first of Jordan’s two three-peats. ‘The consummate pro,’ Jordan called him that night.”

8. After an important experience together, debrief first with your partner or team about what happened and how you’ll do better next time, then go out and face the larger world. The military and the FBI call such debriefings hot washs:

“Long after their Lakers teammates departed the locker room, Kobe Bryant and Derek Fisher lingered in the adjacent trainer’s area, visible through a plate glass window and in no apparent hurry to explain a stinging playoff defeat to reporters before they had seethed over it with each other. Their post-game meeting, according to Fisher, was just getting started.”

See also:

Make Wiser Choices, Stronger Friendships

The Art of Being Business Partners and Friends

… and others’ ideas on some angle of Moving From Me to We.

“’There was this joke that when the women who worked in the lab were stressed, they came in, cleaned the lab, had coffee, and bonded,” Dr. Laura Cousin Klein told Gale Berkowitz.  ”When the men were stressed, they holed up somewhere on their own. I commented one day to fellow researcher Shelley Taylor that nearly 90% of the stress research is on males. I showed her the data from my lab, and the two of us knew instantly that we were onto something.”

It turns out that the oft-quoted “Flight or Flight” response to a stressful situation applies more to men than women. Also, women under stress are more able to read other’s facial expressions and men are less accurate in reading emotions in another’s face.

In threatening or otherwise stressful situations with others men and women also react differently, according to studies yet two of the findings cited seem to be somewhat contradictory:

1. Men initiate connection. Women accept offers to connect.

Men are more willing to expose themselves to the risk of making an overture; yet women are more likely to reciprocate an overture once it’s made.

2. Men Withdraw. Women reach out.

“Men get  antisocial under pressure, but women tend to react in the opposite way: they ‘tend and befriend.’” (The article has a link from “anti-social”, when describing men, to an article on the behavior of psychopaths. This seems sexist or at least not relevant).

The article seems to focus on the first responses to threats or other stress when around others rather than on what unfolds at first and over time – toward connecting and collaborating or not.

Without any research to back me up, I agree with Sahar: “Women instinctively tend to be more social perhaps due to the need for support; men like to be more independent.  Under pressure, we first follow those instincts.”  

Men are more likely – in general – to propose action and press for quick response and women – in general – are more likely to support the group in finding a path towards agreement on what to do together.

Men will focus on getting it done – and place a priority on being respected and productive. Women will spend more effort on helping people feeling comfortable with each other; they perform better when they feel liked and appreciated –and they worry more. Both sexes act worse when others do not appear to be acting fairly through this tense time.

What’s your experience in attempting to connect and collaborate in stressful situations where both women and men are involved?

By the way, in other studies, psychologist Mara Mather found that “acute stress increases sex differences in risk seeking.” Women become more moderate in their habits and avoid risks. Men are more likely to gamble, drink, have unsafe sex or take other risks.

There are exceptions of course.

To reduce your stress and savor your work more cultivate a satisfying work relationship with a partner – female or male.

Emulate a valuable partner by adopting the traits that the Gallup organization found to be most helpful, described in The Power of 2: “If you want to have great partnerships, be a great partner.

Get beyond yourself. Give up the notion that you are well-rounded, and stop expecting your colleagues to be universally proficient. Incorporate someone else’s motivations into your view of the accomplishment. Loosen up. Put aside your competitive nature, your prepackaged view of how the thing should be done, and your desire not to be inconvenienced with the imperfections of a fellow human being.

Focus more on what you do for the partnership than what you get from it. Demonstrate trust in more people, and see if they don’t surprise you with their trustworthiness. Be slower to anger and quicker to forgive. And along the way, communicate continuously.”

“You know your work partnership is truly unselfish if you feel genuine satisfaction at each other’s success, if you and your partner will risk a lot for each other, and if your collaborator is like a brother or sister’ to you.” ~ Rodd Wagner and Gale Muller

“.. .she pointed the audience to people who were great examples of living their dreams with a very motivating and empowering attitude,” Heather Parlato wrote about Colleen Wainwright.

Praising individuals in the audience is especially helpful when facing a tough crowd as I described in a comment here. Bill Clinton, at his best, is a master at giving praise as Sean Stephenson suggests, dubbing his approach “the carwash phenomenon.”

Conversely, criticizing others leaves an indelible stain on one’s reputation in this increasingly connected world. When you throw mud you get dirty.

Yet, ironically one of the easiest ways to be seen in a positive light is by shining a spotlight on a remarkable side in someone else as Colleen and Heather did. The multiplying power of praise happens as people tell others about such incidents, as I am in this post.

Tip: Praise individuals for praising others.  This is a vivid, credible and becoming approach to bringing out the best in all of us. Heck, even waiters who compliment customers get three percent bigger tips, on average.

Try some of these ways to magnify the power of your praise:

1. Shine a spotlight on someone in unexpected yet relevant times and places.  After witnessing such an experience at Harrods in London Gretchen Rubin wrote about it thus shining a priceless spotlight on the soul of the store.

2. As a variation of  1. put your sticky note of praise in a place where it will be seen by that that person – and by others who are important to them.

3.  Give a present to that special person in front of people from a different part of their life than the part you share.

Example: The Friday night after Juan worked through the weekend to fix a problem at the start-up where he worked he went to his bike club’s monthly dinner. With prior agreement from the club, his boss, the start-up founder, came in the door, was introduced to everyone by the club president and gave Juan a gift coupon to his favorite bike store, describing how Juan’s astute, hard work the past weekend  saved the fledgling firm’s reputation.

4.  Start with marbles. Mike Rogers heard of a CEO who began practicing giving praise by placing five marbles in his right pocket each morning. Each time he complimented someone, he moved one marble to his left pocket. By the end of each day he planned to move all the marbles.  After awhile he no longer needed to use the marbles.

5. Look for times you can reinforce someone’s confidence and belief in their talents and character with your variation of two phrases suggested by Rich DeVos (who, unfortunately, is also ardent in his criticism):

• “I’m Proud of You.”   • “I Believe in You.”

6. As the most cost-effective and satisfying way to attract more customers, provide multiple ways your customers can praise what they most like about your business or other organization.  Andy Sernovitz offers true stories as examples.

7. Even in asking permission you influence whether someone  is likely to criticize or praise you to others. Here’s an example: A Catholic priest was transferred to a new parish. He approached his superior and asked, “Would you mind if I smoked while praying?”  Not too surprisingly, he was turned down.

You can change the meaning and the outcome of what you say by how you say it. Set the stage for what someone is about to hear from you. Do this by choosing the order in which you say something. That creates the context in which the listener hears the intention behind your words.  The priest, for example, might have secured permission – and a positive first impression –  if he’d made his request this way, “Would you mind if I prayed while I am smoking?”

The effect of praise is so potent that even false flattery sways us more than we think.

When you show you care as you praise others you can transform them and yourself as you can see in this captivating fable Validation: Free Parking.

Perhaps the heaviest thing to carry is a grudge and the shortest distance between two people is a compliment. Praise what you want to flourish in others.

Recently two friends broke trust with me. One offered to do something that was vital to me, didn’t and didn’t tell me. Another shared private information about me with a stranger who then told several people who work with me.

I don’t know which betrayal felt worse. I do know they can be seen as an opportunity to re-learn lessons on how to move from anger to equanimity, steps that you may find helpful.

Remember when you felt betrayed? One major crack in trust is more potent than one big positive action of that friend. Probably any reliable relationship requires the same 5:1 ratio of good to bad experiences that a romantic relationship requires for stability.

“Trust is the glue that holds relationships together.” ~ Price Pritchett

Recall that hot flush of recognition when you first realized that someone you knew would act one way and didn’t? How can you avoid becoming wary or even bitter?

Funny how one betrayal is closely followed by another wrenching experience — or so it seems. Even if one’s life is on a fairly even keel, one trust-breaker situation makes the second one hit harder- if we let it.

“Sometimes you cannot believe what you see; you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too -even when you’re in the dark. Even when you are falling.”~ Morrie Schwartz, quoted in Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Albom.

My first reaction was to re-run the wrenching situation in my mind, over and over, digging a deeper rut in my memory. Dumb – right?  Those scenes dominated my thoughts more than the recent, joyful times. Consequently I viewed others through a cautious, constricted-heart lens. That begets a self-fulfilling prophecy. People feel put off.

“No idea will work if people don’t trust your intentions toward them.” ~ Marcus Buckingham, Now, Discover Your Strengths.

We’ve all faced mind-grabbing breaks of trust, and will again. Conversely, we have betrayed another’s trust and dodged the situation rather than sought to rectify it.  

“You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don’t trust enough.” ~ Frank H. Crane

For more than a decade, I’ve studied, taught, and written about focusing attention on the positive parts of every interaction. Yet, like breathing, it isn’t a one-time practice.

“Character is what you really are. Reputation is what people say you are. A person of character is trustworthy. The other kind looks for an easy way out.” ~ John Wooden

Getting back to equilibrium means letting go of a better past. Remember, every negative action comes from the root feeling of fear.

“Trust is the heartbeat of every significant relationship” ~ Cynthia L. Wall and Sue Patton Thoel

That does not mean we have to step into the street again and let another car hit us again.

The next time you lose trust, try taking these steps forward towards equanimity for yourself:

1. Let the full emotional effect of the betrayal sink in, then do not re-run the scene more than three times.

2. Step into the other person’s shoes to see the interaction their way. Is this a pattern in his behavior towards you or is it an anomaly?

3. Look to the part of that person’s potentially positive intent, especially when he appeared to have none in that situation. You will see the whole picture more clearly and calmly.

4. Praise the part of that person’s behavior you want to reinforce and to flourish. (Ironically, this is one of your most self-protective tools in such moments.)

5. Ask her for a time to talk. Then, in factual, non-blaming language, describe the specific behavior that bothered you. Next describe your feelings. Then wait for a response.

6. Listen closely and with an open heart and mind to the answer. If your picture of her actions was accurate, and if she is solely defensive -without offering a change in behavior, then you have learned a lot.

7. If someone breaks trust with you twice it is highly likely there’ll be a third time. Why place yourself in that position again? You’ll be inclined to blame that person for his unchanged behavior rather than asking yourself why you did not change yours. Repeatedly asking someone to change a behavior towards you usually engenders their irritation with you. It is more likely that the person will be defensive and rationalize her behavior.  and/or avoid contact until she needs you.  Unfortunately, the relative power in the situation (who needs whom the most) will probably determine when and how you two communicate in the future.

But it doesn’t have to determine the safe distance you choose to have with that person. My friend, Paul Geffner says we gather many friends and acquaintances over our lifetime. The key to living well with them is to recognize the right distance in which to hold them. Those you enjoy and trust you bring closer.

8. Choose your distance, following Geffner’s approach. After all, you always have three choices in any situation:

1.Change now you act towards that person.

2. Accept her behavior.

3. Leave

The lesson: Sooner, rather than later, take these steps. The sooner you act the more options you have and the more likely it is that you can restore the friendship – or find out that you can’t.

Choose what you can do positively for yourself rather than against another.

The more quickly you’ll climb out of that negative “re-run” rut of thoughts and toward the positive part of that person, the more likely you’ll return to an even keel – and the more likely you’ll be able to preserve a properly distanced relationship.

Just as Daniel Gilbert discovered in Stumbling on Happiness that we aren’t adept at knowing how happy we will be in the future, Gal Zauberman and John G. Lynch found that we get it wrong about how much free time we’ll have. They dryly dub this effect, “Resource Slack.” 

In the future, individuals in their study accurately assumed that money would be tight yet assumed, wrongly, they’d create more free time.

Sometimes we just attempt to fool ourselves into thinking we will feel differently in the future than we do currently – or that we will act differently.

Lesson to learn from this? 

Let’s not delude ourselves. Every day carve out some time for fun with those you hold dear. Schedule it. As Gretchen Rubin found as a mother of young girls, “the days are long but the years are short.” And they seem to get shorter each year one gets older.

We may have a set point for happiness – a “hedonic thermostat” to which we will return after horrific or wonderful things have happened to us. Yet we can change our habits, starting small. If not daily, could you imagine planning a playtime with friends at least once a week? Promise yourself and plan the time you’ll ask friends out.

Come Out and Play… More Often

That’s the chapter heading for the bigger life I am giving myself next year. Rather than Press Play on a computer screen get out and play. Confession: I already started on this PLAY Pledge in August and have kept it so far, enjoying time with new and old friends.

As Anais Nin wrote, “Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.”

Something in yesterday’s “Modern Love“ column struck me as ringing true, not only for enduring marriages but for flourishing friendships, “Being single is all about the future, about the person you’re going to meet at Starbucks or after answering the next scientific compatibility questionnaire. Being married, after a certain point, is about the past, about a steadily growing history of moments that provide a confidence of comfort, an asset that compounds over time.”  

Perhaps friendships also compound with our attentive interest over time.

Holidays are poignant anyway. Why not use the emotions that arise to deepen your relationships?  Choose the role you want to play in other’s lives, rather than fall into the one you are expected to play.

Inevitably we will disappoint each other at times.  The key however to satisfying, enduring friendships or marriage is not obvious. In fact it is often baffling.

We are most likely to assume the secret to friendship is how often we are happy in the company of friends as compared to the moments they disappoint us.

Yet if we want to keep and cultivate that valued relationship  - and be happier in it – here’s some seldom-discussed habits to practice. Some go against the grain of our instinctive behavior and I confess I am not adept at them.  But they are well worth practicing and there’s no better time than this holiday. Inevitably as we gather or call each other or exchange emails, we are contemplating our family and friends and the roles we play in each other’s lives. 

To bring your friends closer and enjoy them more, consider altering your role in their lives.  In fact, create new scenes to create the storyline you want to live for the rest of your life.

Here’s three ways to bring out the best side of the main characters who most matter to you and increase your mutual appreciation of each other. 

1. Focus on their strongest talent and temperament

Praise friends when they are displaying their strengths. Give them slack when they aren’t, as Gretchen Rubin suggests in The Happiness Project.  In practicing genuine praise, in the moment, you’ll feel become less reactive and they’ll feel safer and accepted.  That attitude and action paves the road to reciprocal praise behavior and to greater closeness. 

2. Practice the Golden Golden Rule

Rather than doing unto others as you would have done unto you, step outside yourself. Instead do unto others as they would have done unto them.  Act and speak to support them in the ways they most need and value, not the ways that most matter to you.

One of the most precious ways is to show appreciation for the ways they are better than you. For example, David Sarasohn notes, “I am somewhat better with words than my wife is; she is infinitely better with people. In different ways, we translate each other to the rest of the world, and admire each other’s contrasting language skills. Being married to someone you respect for being somehow better than you keeps affection alive. That this impressive person chooses you year after year makes you more pleased with yourself, fueling the kind of mutual self-esteem that can get you through decades.”

3. Cultivate a Positive Attribution Bias

Notice how often you smile, praise, and give slack as compared to taking umbrage, making an abrupt, hurt or hostile face or sharply commenting back when you feel you have not been well-treated. (I find this terribly hard to do yet am working on it.)

Here’s why this is so powerful.

If happy couples who stay together have a high ratio of positive to negative interactions with each other it seems likely that behavior among friends would yield the same result.  In short, when a valued friend does something that jars you assume the best of intentions.  Here’s the payoff.  In a study people were asked, “Generally speaking, would you say that most people can be trusted, or that you cannot be too careful in dealing with people?” Your answer reflects the strength of your relationships.

Couples are more likely to divorce when they:

• Are more likely to attribute the good things in their lives together to their partner’s selfish motivations. of their partner. “He’s cleaning the house just to butter me up for his fishing weekend with his buddies.”

• Blame their problems and daily hassles on their partners. “If she’d stop nagging me about reviewing our bills we’d have more fun on weekends.” 

Couples are happier and more likely to stay together when:

• Generously give credit to their partner for things that happen.

• See hidden virtues accompanying their partner’s foibles and faults.

Ironically this “assume the best” trusting behavior even affects countries, discovered Dacher Keltner, author of Born to Be Good. The lower the test level in the country the less likely it is doing well economically.

Looking for the good part in someone’s behavior is what Confucius believed was a way of making life meaningful for oneself and those in one’s life. He called this practicing “jen.”  As Keltner describes it, “A person of jen, wishing to establish his own character, also establishes the character of others. A person of jen brings the good things of others to completion and does not bring the bad things of others to completion. Jen is felt in that deeply satisfying moment when you bring out the goodness in others.”

3. Spend face time with each other.  Regularly.

Not just over this holiday. Nothing reveals values as much as how you spend your time. Stay in contact in other ways when you are not nearby. With familiarity one reduces the chance of Attribution Bias. When your friend hogs the dinner conversation, talking about his difficult boss you have enough experiences with him to know that he needs to vent, wants concrete advice and is a good sounding board for you when the situation is reversed.  In short, he has put emotional deposits in the bank of your friendship.  You don’t make the Attribution Bias of mistaking his volubility with self-centeredness.

“The more moments we share the more comfort grows,” wrote David Sarasohn.

Bottom Line:  We know we are each capable of great good and evil and many everyday acts in between.

Yet where will you put your attention this holiday? Consider the Indian story of the two wolves inside of you. One can focus on the selfishness in friends and family members or the good. Whatever you focus on you will see more of around you.  See greed and selfishness? That’s what you’ll expect. Look for moments of generosity and selflessness. That’s what you’ll reflect back – and increase the chances that you will experience more – with others. 

Such practice is not as easy as buying gifts yet it may be the most precious present we can give those we cherish and hope to bring closer – and enjoy ourselves. As Jonathan Haidt reminds us. “For most of us relationships are the surest route to happiness.”

Thank you all for the thoughtful, kind and generous comments, emails, calls and other ways of reaching out and friendship throughout this year. Here’s to our practicing our kindest roles with and for each other in what promises to be a volatile 2010 where friendship can make all the difference. Light your candle to glow on your friends. Together we’ll cast a brighter glow on the good and reinforce that behavior in each other.

In a world that increasingly favors thinkers (vs. laborers) huge changes are happening, including these four, observes Arnold King:

1.  The nature of marriage has changed: “Men & women look for complementarity in consumption rather than in production.”

2.  “Achievement-oriented men looking for interesting mates rather than for good maids.”

3.  There’s “greater inequality across households” - and that affects children’s well-being and opportunities.

4.  The chasm is widening: Increasingly the world economy favors thinkers over laborers.