Partners – romantic and otherwise – tend to fight when one feels neglected or threatened. When Peter Bregman’s wife yelled from two rooms away, “at least pack the shampoo” she was feeling neglected.
Recognizing which underlying feeling is being evoked helps you know how to resolve the conflict. So discovered psychology professor Keith Sanford.
Which one is [...]

“’There was this joke that when the women who worked in the lab were stressed, they came in, cleaned the lab, had coffee, and bonded,” Dr. Laura Cousin Klein told Gale Berkowitz.  ”When the men were stressed, they holed up somewhere on their own. I commented one day to fellow researcher Shelley Taylor that nearly [...]

When things go wrong, we tend to blind ourselves to other’s feelings. We are more likely to fall into a destructive behavioral trap. Sadly, when we do, we cannot be empathic. We weaken that human bond that’s vital to re-grouping and resilience. These blinding mindsets make us feel dumb, powerless … and alone. (Of course [...]

When you first glimpse someone (or something) new your brain reacts instantly, but you knew that. What’s destructive is that when you instinctively feel danger – or simply irritation –  you respond quicker, longer and more intensely than if you feel safe or another positive emotion.

Your negative reaction to “the new” affects you much more than a [...]

He takes a stupid stand. (Translation: he hit my hot button.) My first response is to dislike him. (Apparently that’s a universal reaction.) My distaste shows on my face and in my tone, despite my attempt to cover my feelings in a cloak of civility. Even friends or sympathetic bystanders take a psychic step back.
Naturally [...]

When women and men were beat up in a Mangalore pub for “violating traditional Indian values” some decried it as “Talibanisation of India.”  Thousands have seen the video.  Yet even the National Commission for Women there, also condemned “the loosening of moral standards amongst young women.”
To galvanize action against the right wing Hindu group that backs such incidents, journalist Nisha Susan involved bloggers to ask [...]

Rather than a fake-friendly question to highlight his ignorance, a sarcastic retort, shouting or silently seething – try alleviating the friction that’s at the core of the conflict. I’m not saying it’s easy. Yet unsettled resentments usually cause two-way sabotage, in the moment and in the future, so it is worth trying something different to save [...]