Vala Afshar intuitively practices a little-known secret for attracting talented people as friends and colleagues. It’s an obvious truth, once stated. I saw it vividly demonstrated at Pivotcon.Via Twitter, I noticed how he specifically cited others’ insights and accomplishments. Yet it was only in seeing understated Afshar in the packed reception that I saw how people were drawn into his warm orbit. In the midst of this active crowd, with fast-paced conversations, he was able to bring out two essential parts of each person with whom he spoke.
In his presence they exhibited their:
- Strongest skill, tied to a passionate interest (Talent)
- Most becoming side (Temperament)
How? Vala consistently made authentic, concrete references to the traits others most liked about themselves. Further, he asked the questions and follow-up questions that enabled them to display their remarkable knowledge and favorite ideas. Of course, they wanted to meet up with him again. Here’s the counter-intuitive secret that connective Vala was practicing:
Our first instinct to like you (and want to be around you and help you) happens, not from how we feel about you, but rather how you make us feel when around you. From that good feeling about ourselves, in your presence, we project onto you the qualities that we most like and admire in others even if you have not demonstrated that you have those admirable traits.
The dangerous flip side is also true: If we don’t like the way we act when around you we will see in you the traits we most dislike and fear in others. That Dislike Response happens quicker, is felt more intensely and lasts longer than the Like Response.
You have plenty of opportunities to positively alter others’ perceptions of themselves and of you, with this #1 approach towards your daily involvement with others. That’s because experience some 20,000 individual moments in a waking day, some of them life-changing, even if most last just a few seconds, according to Nobel Prize-winning scientist and author of Thinking Fast and Slow, Daniel Kahneman.
In fact, one of the most toxic effects on our well-being is our belief in the inordinate importance of our successes and failures on the possibility of happiness in the future, according to Sonja Lyubomirsky in her book coming out tomorrow, The Myths of Happiness.
Perhaps you can shake that belief, for yourself and for others, by creating situations in which you all get to use best talents, working on project that reflects a strong sweet spot of shared interest. In so doing you may play a different character role in the story that unfolds for you both and make the storyline more adventuresome and satisfying.
As Lyubomirsky writes, “…Human beings are remarkably resilient, with the capacity to turn traumas into assets and bad experiences into growth experiences…” Like Stumbling on Happiness author Daniel Gilbert, Lyubomirsky believes we are not adept at foreseeing how happy we will be in the future. Yet we can become more adept at genuinely supporting others best side so they are more likely to see and support ours. In so doing we strengthen relationships and increase opportunities for shared happiness, accomplishments and a meaningful life. Uneven as our attempts will inevitably be, these seem like bountiful rewards, because we all yearn for them. As Gilbert wrote, “Our brain accepts what the eyes see and our eye looks for whatever our brain wants.”
Why not reach out to one another to grow this resilience with together, and perhaps grow a new, true friendship?
“A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows you your strengths; feels your fears but fortifies your faith; sees your anxieties but frees your spirit; recognizes your disabilities but emphasizes your possibilities.” ~ William Arthur Ward